The Weekly Week

After spending more than sixteen hours out of the water, the fish in question expired.     WASHINGTON — A fish addressed a special joint session of Congress yesterday in an act that can best be described as "A fish addressing Congress." Former Clinton Chief of Staff, Leon Panetta, said that the fish called this emergency session "to discuss an issue of national importance." Panetta also has what Washington insiders call a "funny name," Panetta Panetta Panetta.

"You guys suck," the fish told Congress, "you're really mean. And I don't like any of you. Except you two," the fish clarified, pointing out Senator Edward and Congressman Joseph Kennedy. "The rest of you can all bite my ass!" Vice President Gore stood and led the applause as the fish strutted around the stage calling out "Come on, Trent Lott, bite my ass!"

While he was doing the butt, a large group of Republican congressmen led by Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich rose to leave the hall, but were prevented from doing so by members of the armed forces. "I don't think so," the fish said. "You see, Congressmen, you are now in my playground, and here we play by my rules. The President's rules. And this president says that we all party hardy and bite my ass! Whooo!" Kool & the Gang then entered the gallery singing "Bite That Fish's Ass, C'mon!" to the tune of their hit song "Celebration."

The party raged long into the night as the fish tapped what seemed to be an endless stream of kegs and invited almost every member of Congress individually to bite his ass. "I, er, feel somewhat left out," said an alienated Ted Kennedy. "It's not that I necessarily want to bite the fish's ass, mind you. But it would be nice to be included in his ass-biting ritual." Joe Kennedy, on the other hand, did not feel as excluded as his uncle. "As a matter of fact," he said, "the fish did ask me to bite his ass, but then he called me 'Strom.' I think he was pretty drunk."

Washington residents were disturbed by the event, as the DC Police force received a record number of complaints. "It was bad," said Lieutenant Duff McKagan, "but there really was nothing we could do. Every time we answered a call and asked the fish to keep the noise down, he would tell the officer on duty to bite his ass. Then he would pardon himself and give the officer a beer."

Over the course of the night half of the DCPD joined the Congressional party. "We had to call more men on duty just to answer the neighbors' calls. Our numbers show that no fewer than 150 officers were told to bite the fish's ass last night — and many felt compelled to do so. After all, he is like the Commander in Chief, and when the Commander in Chief gives an order, dammit, we're trained to obey. There was no mention of ass-biting at Nuremberg. Frankly, if I were there, I may very well have bitten the fish's ass. You never know when national security is at stake."

"Bite That Fish's Ass, C'mon!" will be released this spring on Virgin Records. Proceeds from the single will be donated to the Belgian Fund for Belgian Children.