The Weekly Week

Food spotted on plate; frog children suspected

ROXBURY — Food was spotted on a local plate by a Roxbury man late last night. Police were called in to diffuse the situation. After this diffusion occurred, firemen were called in and then promptly sent home. "We didn't need to have any fires put out," said Charles Yee, a witness on the scene.

This is the second report of food on a plate in two years in Boston. Police say they are baffled by the recent plate foodings. "We have no idea what the hell you are talking about." said Chief of Police Bill Epstien.

Charles Yee elaborated on what had occurred that fateful night. "Well, somebody was sitting there, with a plate," said Yee. "And there was some food on it. I'm not sure if this is the kind of information you're looking for." Yee was all too correct.

A boat later flew down and took Yee away. "This is the last time you fuck with food on a plate!" said a vulture as he devoured Yee's screaming body.

"I really think you should take it easy for a few weeks," said Dr. Keller. "You're an emotional wreck. I'm writing you a prescription." But he didn't know that the frog children had replaced the ink in his pen with their own brand of ink, a substance similar to hair but closer chemically to custard.

Local musician Brian Murray wrote a song to commemorate the food. "This just goes to show that grassroots politics isn't just about politics for grass and roots." said Murray. "Sometimes it can be about food on a plate." Unfortunate for Murray, those words were his last, as he imploded into a vortex because he was out of wheat grass extract.

Meats resent beets; olive loaf enraged

BOSTON — Meat spoke out yesterday in a local deli to voice concerns about beets. "Well, to be perfectly honest" said the meats, "we have a lot of resentment towards them. They think they can just waltz on in here and change one letter of our name and become a completely different food"

The meats came forward after over 100 years of silence when beets were reportedly put on sale for three dollars per dozen. "We hope that people will see this for what it is — a cheap ploy to ride our coattails and benefit from over 100 years of quality food product. We have faith that our die-hard fans will stay true to us."

The beets did not respond to the allegations in public but they had this to say in a private conversation: "... did olive loaf really ... um, excuse me, this is a private conversation."

Later the beets made quesadillas: "I have what I guess you would call a 'rubber ducky.' And so what if I do? So what if I play with it in the tub? Hey, I'm not the first white man to love a ducky if you know what I mean. Please, let me get that for you. I guess I primarily have one hand for disposing of things and the other is for ... Yes, hello? No ... no, I don't think so. I'm sorry, I can't talk to you anymore. My agent says I'm not allowed to be personified to this degree." They then added, "and oh yeah, tell the meats to go fuck themselves. First of all, there's a two letter difference, not one, and even if there wasn't, we have an appeal totally disparate from meats."

An enraged steak overheard the conversation. "Yeah fuck you too." he said. "You people would clearly no sooner rape a farmer before you would steal the name of another food. Wait, I mean that differently ... you'd be very willing to steal the name I mean. Anyway, this is the worst case of food-name plagiarism since the 'Tabb-Crab' fiasco of '81. I just got a splinter."