The Weekly Week

The Pimp Dear Pimp,

My mother doesn't allow me to go to the movies on school nights. However, I was generally a good student (I got an A on my paper on paper). I love the movies though, I love to grab at the screen and whistle at characters. Sometimes I will play along and scream at my popcorn accusing it. But now I can't do that — on school nights. What irks me is that my mother does not understand my needs. I am almost thirty, and I think it's time I stopped functioning as if I was in school. I graduated from high school over ten years ago, and am myself married. I let my children go to the movies, even though they are three and four. They loved Last Tango In Paris. Please help.

Sincerely,

Joe Walsh, Jr.

Dear Joe,

Your mother reminds me of a ho I once knew. By "ho" I mean prostitute. However, by "prostitute" I do not mean the typical street walker. I mean a woman who prostitutes herself socially and morally to achieve her goals. This woman, this "ho," so to speak, happened to want drugs, and got them by having sex with men. I know what you're thinking: how does this 1) relate to me and 2) what are you talking about?

Well, I guess I'm not addressing your question directly — but I am saying this: vernacular and proper English have many intertwining meanings. Redefine all of the words your mother uses by creating your own slang and then respond to everything she says in manner that is in accordance with the new definitions. Good luck!

Sincerely,

Pimp

PS. Why not try renting movies?

Dear Pimp,

I have this great idea for fertilizer for Wall Street farmers. It's called "Entrepre-manure." What do you think?

Sincerely,

Dr. Octopus

Dear Dr. Octopus,

Invention — the muse of the inventor! I am an "Entrepremanure" of sorts. I find women, who will have sex with others for money, and then I take a percentage for protecting and not hurting these women. This is both entrepreneurial of me, and crappy of me — hence — "Entrepremanure!"

I have only one warning for you. I quote Cat Stevens, quoting Sam Cooke, when I say, "Another Saturday night and I ain't got nobody, I got some money 'cause I just got paid." Also keep in mind this message of Cat Stevens, "I'm being followed by a moon shadow, moon shadow, moon shadow, leaping and hopping on a moon shadow, moon shadow, moon shadow." He also sings, "Peace train (clap clap clap) i-e-i-o-i-o, come on the peace train." Think about it. It's good business.

Sincerely,

Pimp

P.S. Cat Stevens denies his past and is a faithful Muslim. Moonshadow, indeed.