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March 29, 1999

Continents to reunite, tour

The Eagles did it, Fleetwood Mac did it, even KISS is doing it. So why can’t the Americas, along with Europe, Asia, Africa, Australia, and Antarctica get it back together?

That’s the question that the international community has been asking recently in its efforts to address the recent escalations in global conflict.

"The latter half of the 20th century has no doubt been marred by an unprecedented level of multinational discord," said Sven FrÝsberg, director of Geneva’s esteemed Ludo Kriis Institute. "Until recently, simple human nature and social evolution are believed to have been at fault. Now, however, we believe that the problem might lie deeper, much deeper, than previously believed — far below the earth’s surface, in fact."

The Institute’s report states that there is a noticeable lack of cohesion among the planet’s continents, a separation that is leading not only to a physical rift between them but to an emotional one as well.

"Millions of years ago, when the continents first decided to part company, it was on the understanding that they needed to ‘take some time off’ to give each the opportunity to grow ecologically, geologically, and musically as individual land masses," the report says. "It was just supposed to be a temporary break from the grind of recording and touring. But now the continents appear to have embarked on full-blown solo careers, and are thriving on their own with little or no regard for the other continents."

This has many world leaders concerned that the continents themselves have gone "too far" and need to come back together. At the urging of the United Nations, an attempt is being made to get Pangaea (as the band has been called) on an international stadium tour.

Spearheading the undertaking is Bob Geldof, the organizer responsible for the Live Aid concert and We Are The World benefits. A panel of experts headed by Geldof looked into various options for bringing the continents back together. "We pretty much just started brainstorming, trying to come up with any idea that might get the continents together," said Quincy Jones, who also came up with Pangaea’s theme song, "One Mass of Sassafras!"

After months of evaluation, the panel settled on a human land bridge. The idea, put forth by Geldof, is a variation of Hands Across America, since it will create a man-made link between the continents using all the world’s people.

"I’m calling it Hands Across the World," said Geldof. "Basically, everyone will link hands and pull the continents together using sheer human energy. The world’s tallest people will stretch out over the water, while midgets and dwarfs will hold hands in those hard-to-reach places."

When everyone in the world is in place, Eddie Van Halen will strum the first chord of ‘One Mass of Sassafras,’ signaling everyone to start pulling. Said Geldof: "With a little time, luck and effort, the world will have Pangaea back, and along with it, renewed global harmony."

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