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March 29, 1999

Local police logs

BOSTON — Boston Police arrested a medical equipment saleswoman and escorted her out of Brigham and Women’s Hospital. A patient had complained that the saleswoman was all too ready to stick an untested machine into her. The machine was a Roman candle disguised as an artificial femur bone. The son of a bitchin’ woman was spray-painting Roman candles silver and passing them off as artificial femur bones!

BOSTON — A fire broke out in the police department while gangsters were robbing the firemen. The suicide hotline workers started killing themselves and the EMTs suffered massive cranial wounds. Priests fought with the devil while bums were hired to manage mutual funds. Children considered philosophical riddles and wives went to weddings and stopped them from happening. A flight attendant pestered and mocked passengers while a book reviewer took a flame-thrower to a bookstore. A computer saleswoman spoke about the evils of the digital revolution and a pharmacist poured acid on the faces of those seeking prescriptions.

NORTH END — A massive party on Hanover Street ended in a brawl Sunday morning. Fourteen members of the police were injured. According to the Boston Globe, one man said that he was the better of the two. A few women egged them on. One of the men then took out a loan from a bank and paid it back, without one late penalty, for thirty years. The other man saw this and one-upped him by building an environmentally conscious aquarium to commemorate the Special Olympics in 2014. The few women there egged them on some more. Well, you know how women are! They just want men to fight! That’s when a huge fight broke out.

ARLINGTON — Anti-inflammatory medicine and cortisone shots are now being used by the police to quell people who act up and get fresh. The Arlington police have theorized for years that shooting aggressors and criminals with traditional anti-inflammatory medicine would be safer and more effective than by shooting them with guns. One man hit a policeman with a stick and then a rock. In turn, the policeman swabbed the aggressor’s knee and then injected him with cortisone. The man watched and then bent the knee a few times. He said it felt great better than it had in years. He again hit the police office with a stick and then a rock and then he ran away.

CAMBRIDGE — A couple of businessmen walked out of Forrester Research, claiming that the place was like a sponge.

"I can only be in there for a fifteen minutes, maybe a half-hour tops, and then I just gotta’ leave," said Luis Proctor of Datatek Corporation of Toronto. His associate, Francis Alberts, also of Datatek, concurred. "Those research companies are like bladders. You can only hold so much and then you just have to let it out."

They were so irked and discomforted that they called the Cambridge Police. "Have you ever been in one of those research firms?" Proctor asked Officer Jenkins.

"No," replied Jenkins.

"Yeah, well, that place is like a sponge or a bladder in that they have so much information that they throw at you that you think your head is going to explode."

Sure enough, as they were talking, Francis Albert’s head exploded.

"Oh, damn. Oh, damn. Oh, damn Francis. Oh damn…" was all Luis Proctor could say as he held his friend's headless body, outside Forrester Research.

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