smallbanner.gif (1847 bytes)
May 7, 1998

Rebirth of Dalai Lama is bungled badly

SANTIAGO, Chile — The Tibetan monastic community was thrown into turmoil this week when the latest reincarnation of the Dalai Lama went terribly wrong.

Indeed, local villager Paul Harvey reported this to be the “strangest birth” he had ever seen, including that Three’s Company episode in the taxicab. “The mother was sitting on the top of Birthing Hill,” Harvey explained, pointing at the landmark locals revere due to its naturally occurring stirrups. “I don’t quite know how it happened, but the baby slipped out of the doctor’s hands and onto his feet. He then slipped off the feet, and began to slide down the hill, much like one of your ‘boogie boarders.’

“Luckily, he landed in a ditch we built for just such a situation. We sent our dog down the hill to get the baby, but he left a trail of baby juice, and the dog lost his footing. The dog landed in the ditch and somehow the baby popped out, holding the dog’s collar in his hands. The collar was grabbed by a passing bird, who carried the baby and dog high in the air, and then dropped them, apparently trying to teach them how to fly.

“Of course they couldn’t fly — that would be silly — and they fell and fell until they landed on the parachute of a nearby sky diver. The sky diver panicked and dropped his chute. As the skydiver plummeted, the baby and dog fell again and almost hit the ground when the dog’s collar was hooked again, this time on a speeding truck. The baby, the truck, and the dog drove out of sight, where I am told they hit a bump four miles out of town.

“On his way back, the baby traveled by burro, by hand rail, by zeppelin, by pogo stick, by a smaller, funnier-looking burro, and finally he arrived back via a self-propelled rickshaw. When he saw his mother, he leaned over and fell off the rickshaw, landing safely on the sky diver’s head. We don’t know what happened to the dog.”

“That sort of thing almost never happens,” added Harvey.

Another complication was that the Lama was reborn in Chile, a predominantly Catholic country. “Usually the Lama of Lamas makes his way back to a Buddhist community, preferably near Tibet,” said Monk spokesman Jeremy Feinstein. “It helps save on airfare. Rarely are we able to get our act together to purchase our tickets two weeks in advance, so we get screwed, just like business travelers always get screwed.”

Chile, as geologists point out, is on the opposite side of the world from Nepal. “We concede,” Feinstein conceded, “that he was really off the mark this time. We blame El Ni–o, but only because we love to be trendy. Not many people know that about us Lamas. We love those sport utility vehicles.”

However, the most vexing problem with the Lama’s rebirth is that the Lama has not recently died. When asked how someone could have been reincarnated before his death, Feinstein evaded the issue, saying, “Again, it’s El Nino. It’s a Spanish name, and a Spanish speaking country! Get it? Would you like to do the Hustle?” The Weekly Week suspects foul play, but that movie was out of the video store, so we rented Oh, Heavenly Dog! instead.

lowernav.gif (10023 bytes)