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June 4, 1998
Volume CVII, No. 19

Demon booked on possession charges
A demon has been arrested on possession charges, according to Boston police. Prosecutors are planning on charging the demon, whose name has not been released due to his juvenile status, with “possession with intent to distribute.”

Heavy metal bands endangered, committee says
The National Wildlife Committee yesterday released the results of its decade-long study of heavy metal bands in the wild. "The populations most at risk include White Lion, RATT, Great White, W.A.S.P., and Whitesnake, just to name a few — three of which have the word ‘white’ written out, and one of which merely has an initial that stands for ‘white.’”

U held hostage by pro-consonant group
The Letter U was abducted from its home in the Upper Ukraine yesterday, and the notorious pro-consonant group BCD is taking responsibility.

James Cameron to direct ‘Romeo and Juliet’
Director James Cameron, maker of such blockbusters as The Terminator, True Lies, and Titanic, has begun work on his latest film project, a remake of Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet.

Bureau of Inconclusive Studies releases findings
The Bureau of Inconclusive Studies (BIS) reported its latest findings at a press conference last Tuesday. The conference was widely attended, in hopes that some further announcement would be made regarding last October’s finding that “AIDS might be curable with something involving rutabaga extract, or maybe spirulina.”

Africa to receive emergency Viagra
In a effort to improve the destitute living conditions of sub-Saharan Africa, the Red Cross announced Monday that it will begin sending Viagra, the new anti-impotence pill, to Chad.

National news in brief

Local news in brief

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