*** BOSTON'S ONLY
REDUNDANT NEWS SOURCE FOR NEWS ***
June 4, 1998
Volume CVII, No. 19
Demon booked on
possession charges
A demon has been arrested on possession charges, according to Boston police.
Prosecutors are planning on charging the demon, whose name has not been released due to
his juvenile status, with “possession with intent to distribute.”
Heavy metal bands
endangered, committee says
The National Wildlife Committee yesterday released the results of its decade-long study of
heavy metal bands in the wild. "The populations most at risk include White Lion,
RATT, Great White, W.A.S.P., and Whitesnake, just to name a few — three of which have
the word ‘white’ written out, and one of which merely has an initial that stands
for ‘white.’”
U held hostage by
pro-consonant group
The Letter U was abducted from its home in the Upper Ukraine yesterday, and the
notorious pro-consonant group BCD is taking responsibility.
James Cameron to
direct ‘Romeo and Juliet’
Director James Cameron, maker of such blockbusters as The Terminator, True Lies, and
Titanic, has begun work on his latest film project, a remake of Shakespeare’s Romeo
and Juliet.
Bureau of Inconclusive
Studies releases findings
The Bureau of Inconclusive Studies (BIS) reported its latest findings at a press
conference last Tuesday. The conference was widely attended, in hopes that some further
announcement would be made regarding last October’s finding that “AIDS might be
curable with something involving rutabaga extract, or maybe spirulina.”
Africa to receive
emergency Viagra
In a effort to improve the destitute living conditions of sub-Saharan Africa, the
Red Cross announced Monday that it will begin sending Viagra, the new anti-impotence pill,
to Chad.
