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June 4, 1998

Demon booked on possession charges
Prosecutors plan to charge juvenile offender with ‘intent to distribute’

MATTAPAN — A demon has been arrested on possession charges, according to Boston police. Prosecutors are planning on charging the demon, whose name has not been released due to his juvenile status, with “possession with intent to distribute.”

At approximately 2:30 a.m. a police cruiser noticed that the demon’s ‘82 Dodge Aries was driving slowly and erratically. “The car was traveling approximately 15 mph in a 50 mph zone,” reported the arresting officer R. Sciorro. “I pulled him over and approached the car, and I noted his dazed expression and bloodshot eyes. I figured we had a soul-head on our hands.”

Soul-sniffing dogs pointed police to the car’s trunk, where they found eight souls, sealed in a Ziploc bag that was wrapped in brown paper and hidden inside one of the demon’s shoes. Officer Sciorro arrested the demon and took the souls back to police headquarters for examination.

“We interrogated each of the souls and found them all to be devout Chilean Catholics,” said Sciorro. “That could mean only one thing: the demon had connections to the South American soul lords.” This fact, plus the sheer quantity of souls involved, prompted prosecutors to charge the demon with intent to distribute.

When interviewed at his holding cell in Mattapan, the demon denied that he intended to sell the souls. “I swear I was gonna use them all myself,” he said. “I been doing this shit so long, one soul just doesn’t do anything for me anymore.”

But children at Mattapan schools say that the demon is a common fixture around their schoolyards, trying to peddle dimebags of souls.

“He tries to be our friend,” said eight-year-old Craig Travis. “He always gives kids the first soul free. And he’ll stick up for you, too. If he sees that kids are being mean to you, he’ll beat them up and send their souls to Hell.”

“Most of the kids are kind of afraid of him,” Travis added.

The demon has also been named as a defendant in a civil suit filed by his former girlfriend, 17-year-old Elsie Wilson of Roxbury, who claims that the demon made her eat a baby in a fit of the “munchies.” She also holds that she was forced to sacrifice goats to Satan in a midnight ritual and then listen to early Yes albums until dawn.

The demon is being represented in both trials by NORDIC, the National Organization for Reforming Demon Inhabitance Codes. NORDIC counsel Jeff Harrington said that the demon is a victim of a legal system that punishes demonic possession far out of proportion to its actual harm.

“This demon is being persecuted for what is essentially a victimless crime, if you don’t count the victim,” said Harrington. “Demonic possession is a felony in this country, while alien possession — far worse, in my opinion — is perfectly legal. Why the double standard? Because the aliens have got the government in the palm of their hand. No congressman wants to be seen voting against Big Alien.”

As he awaited trial, the demon also expressed his frustration with the system. “Everybody’s got so many hang-ups about a little soul, man, I don’t understand it,” he said. “In such a beautiful world, why does there have to be so much negativity out there? I mean, c’mon, it’s all evil.”

Below is the police report on the demon’s car, which was impounded at the time of his arrest:

YEAR: 1982
MAKE: Dodge
MODEL: Aries Sedan

CONTENTS:
Brimstone-scented incense
Hemp pentagram
Book: The Tao of Satan
Bag of Purina Hellhound Chow

BUMPER STICKERS:
‘It’s All Evil’
‘Disembowel Authority’
‘Damn Leonard Peltier’
Dancing Foetuses

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