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June 4, 1998

Local news in brief

Organizers to cancel social

CAMBRIDGE — Organizers of a controversial oil and water social mixer this week conceded defeat and cancelled the event, citing a lack of support in both the oil and water communities.

Thornton Winslow, spokesman for the Cambridge Knights of Columbus, 53rd Infantry, was openly disappointed by the failure. “We saw this as a potential first step towards healing this age-old rift. We thought that if we could just get them together they might at least emulsify. The parties were uncooperative, however.”oilwater.gif (10243 bytes)

Sources say that while neither camp was especially optimistic during the planning stages, it was the oils who were most resistant. Said one anonymous insider, “You have to understand, the oil community is much more internally fragmented. You have your motor oil, your baby oil, vitamin E oil, a whole host of cooking oils — each with their own agenda and terms. They can’t seem to agree on anything. Water didn’t think it would work, but was at least willing to try. They don’t call it the ‘universal solvent’ for nothing.”

Where does this leave the oil/water peace movement? “I honestly don’t know,” admitted Winslow. “I feel disillusioned, used up, as empty as a can of Colt .45 on Billy Dee Williams’ nightstand. The whole experience has just left a bad taste in my mouth. Maybe it’s true what they say. Maybe oil and water really don’t mix.”

Candy declared dandy

TUCSON — “Candy is dandy!” said Arizona Senator Gabe Powers at a local Arizona zoo. The proclamation came after it was suggested three liberal women were counting very logically. “These [women] were counting in a way that can only be described as logical,” said Powers. “Candy is Dandy!” he said again. Also, rape is now legal in Massachusetts for plants, women, candy and ficus plants. Candy is reportedly already taking advantage of this situation by systematically raping all of the residents in all the nursing homes in Chelsea, of which there are none and none. “The candy came into my room and raped me brutally!” said one woman who preferred not to be named. She was named Norma Edelstein. Also, she wanted toast, but instead received taste, which she already had.

Sand forms band

ALLSTON — A small amount of sand formed a rock band last weekend. “We were just hanging out,” said the sand, “and I go to Dave, ‘We should start a band,’ and he goes, ‘Yes. I think that’s a good idea.’”

The band has yet to write any songs, but it spoke about its big plans for the future. “I really like the note ‘E,’” said the sand. The sand thus far has one fan — a plant. The plant plans to see the band jam, if it can. “I would really like to see the sand band,” said the plant. “I’m a big fan.” Said said band, “We’re going to plan a benefit for cancer, if we can. We care about plants, sand and dance. Also, ants began to prance around the plants’ fan Anne and band can? Lance the dancing band fans! Sand in the pants and cans on the land!

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