smallbanner.gif (1847 bytes)
June 4, 1998

Heavy metal bands endangered, committee says

WASHINGTON — The National Wildlife Committee yesterday released the results of its decade-long study of heavy metal bands in the wild.

“We’ve seen a steady decline in heavy metal bands over the last decade,” said Wildlife Committee chairman Wilma Dearing. “Their numbers are thinning out and their future is looking quite grim. The populations most at risk include White Lion, RATT, Great White, W.A.S.P., and Whitesnake, just to name a few — three of which have the word ‘white’ written out, and one of which merely has an initial that stands for ‘white.’”

Pausing, she reflected, “actually, most people don’t know that the first ‘T’ in RATT also stands for white. But don’t tell RATT that that doesn’t make sense.”

The study looked at everything from mating habits, diets and family structure to their impact on the ecosystem. Dearing commented that “the results were complex and varied. But we can say — RATT’s effect on the ecosystem — not good.”

“We found that their mating habits depend a lot on ‘touring,’” she added. “Often, the ‘band member’ or ‘male’ will see a ‘groupie’ or ‘female’ that he is attracted to and call her into his ‘tour bus’ or ‘den.’ The male also appears to be attracted to enormous manes of hair and denim. The denim is often adorned with ‘victory patches’ of other bands as well.”

However, the number of mating rituals has gone down from 1,004,3702 in 1990 to a scary five in 1998. In a 1997 letter from Bon Jovi’s Richie Sambora to his friend David Coverdale of Whitesnake, Sambora wrote: “I have not humped in a year. I cannot ... go on.”

Some emergency measures have already been taken, because many of the bands are already being hunted. Jack Russell of Great White said, “I’ve been shot at, stabbed and even once bitten.” Most of the bands have been officially added to the Endangered Species List, joining the ranks of lesser-known bands Spotted Owl, Bald Eagle and Algerian Mountain Lion.

However, some groups remain upset. “No one has spoken to us,” said Nikki Sixx of Mštley CrŸe. “It’s true that we released an album recently, but no one liked it. And I’ve had bottles thrown at me. I know that Tommy [Lee] got caught in a trap on Hollywood Boulevard and had to eat his arm off.”

Still, even with so many bands being put on the endangered species list, there is hope for heavy metal and glam rock.

Dearing commented, “When W.A.S.P.’s Blackie Lawless sings, ‘I come a round, round / I come feel your love / I tie you down, down / I come steal your love / I f**k like a beast,’ he’s condoning rape.” she said. “Never mind, I’m not sure what my point was.”

lowernav.gif (10023 bytes)