news in brief
Greenspan raises speed limit to 72
WASHINGTON Surprising analysts, Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan raised his speed limit Monday ten points to 72 miles per hour, in response to a growing number of vehicles tailgating him on the way to and from his Washington, DC office.
U.S. 301, the highway that connects Greenspans suburban Virginia home to the Beltway (Interstate 495), had seen its speed limit rise from 55 to 65 miles per hour two years ago following Senate repeal of the federal speed limit. Greenspan, however, continued to drive his 93 Pontiac Bonneville at 62 mph.
Seven points is a safe addition to the posted limit, Greenspan said. This policy allows for increased activity while maintaining zero traffic tickets. I did not respond to the new limit until now because I felt it was artificially high and would soon correct itself. Now that some time has passed, I believe this route can sustain itself at the increased rate.
The move was applauded by bankers and government officials, but some were surprised Greenspan raised the limit. I didnt think hed ever speed up, said Commerce Secretary Nicholas Brady, whose 96 Ford Explorer trailed directly behind Greenspan for 20 minutes.
WASHINGTON In a technological breakthrough some feel will change the face of homosexuality, Christian Coalition Director Pat Robertson this week unveiled Gayjack, purported to be the worlds first heterosexuality recovery device.
Robertson, who worked closely with General Electric on the project, seemed excited about the results. Gayjack, explained the imbalanced zealot, is the greatest example yet of technologys role in enforcing Gods law. Gayjacks specially heteroengineered De-Abominating Waves eradicate homosexual tendencies faster than you can say Spartacus.
Vail Blydenburg, MD, Gayjacks chief engineer, explained that Gayjack is unique in its heterosexuality recovery capabilities. Other devices act simply as alarms, she explained, sounding when a users heterosexuality is threatened by, say, a prospective gay suitor, or a neighbors shirtless hired hand chopping a half-cord of firewood on a hot day. Gayjack, however, can actually recover heterosexuality once its already been spirited away by, you know, the powers of darkness.
Critics of the device suggest that Gayjack delivers nothing more than high-voltage electric shock. Its barbaric, claimed Deke Rivers, director of a Boston-based gay rights organization that has not yet chosen an acronym. Anyone would denounce anything with 2,000 volts running through them. Its totally medieval.
Robertson scoffs at such a characterization of Gayjack. They didnt even have electricity in the Middle Ages, he rebutted. Medieval torture devices were much cruder iron maidens, that sort of thing. Mr. Rivers is trying to obscure the facts with a tightly woven smokescreen of slander, just like all the soldiers in the Armies of Satan. With an attitude like that, hell never rise above corporal. Maybe sergeant if hes lucky, but I doubt it.
Despite Robertsons heated protestations, however, Blydenburg conceded that there are still some bugs. There are a few minor side effects to be studied before we can actually market Gayjack, she explained. Some of our subjects, or volunteers as we call them, have experienced some loss of memory, motor skills and pulse, which in some cases appears permanent. A few have started speaking French, and this one guys watch will only run backwards. Its weird. Ive never seen anything like it. Then again, when would I? Im a prosthodontist.