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June 4, 1998

National news in brief

Greenspan raises speed limit to 72

WASHINGTON — Surprising analysts, Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan raised his speed limit Monday ten points to 72 miles per hour, in response to a growing number of vehicles tailgating him on the way to and from his Washington, DC office.

U.S. 301, the highway that connects Greenspan’s suburban Virginia home to the “Beltway” (Interstate 495), had seen its speed limit rise from 55 to 65 miles per hour two years ago following Senate repeal of the federal speed limit. Greenspan, however, continued to drive his ‘93 Pontiac Bonneville at 62 mph.

“Seven points is a safe addition to the posted limit,” Greenspan said. “This policy allows for increased activity while maintaining zero traffic tickets. I did not respond to the new limit until now because I felt it was artificially high and would soon correct itself. Now that some time has passed, I believe this route can sustain itself at the increased rate.”

The move was applauded by bankers and government officials, but some were surprised Greenspan raised the limit. “I didn’t think he’d ever speed up,” said Commerce Secretary Nicholas Brady, whose ‘96 Ford Explorer trailed directly behind Greenspan for 20 minutes.

Gayjack unveiled

WASHINGTON — In a technological breakthrough some feel will change the face of homosexuality, Christian Coalition Director Pat Robertson this week unveiled Gayjack, purported to be the world’s first heterosexuality recovery device.

Robertson, who worked closely with General Electric on the project, seemed excited about the results. “Gayjack,” explained the imbalanced zealot, “is the greatest example yet of technology’s role in enforcing God’s law. Gayjack’s specially heteroengineered De-Abominating Waves eradicate homosexual tendencies faster than you can say ‘Spartacus.’”pat.gif (6678 bytes)

Vail Blydenburg, MD, Gayjack’s chief engineer, explained that Gayjack is unique in its heterosexuality recovery capabilities. “Other devices act simply as alarms,” she explained, “sounding when a user’s heterosexuality is threatened by, say, a prospective gay suitor, or a neighbor’s shirtless hired hand chopping a half-cord of firewood on a hot day. Gayjack, however, can actually recover heterosexuality once it’s already been spirited away by, you know, the powers of darkness.”

Critics of the device suggest that Gayjack delivers nothing more than high-voltage electric shock. “It’s barbaric,” claimed Deke Rivers, director of a Boston-based gay rights organization that has not yet chosen an acronym. “Anyone would denounce anything with 2,000 volts running through them. It’s totally medieval.”

Robertson scoffs at such a characterization of Gayjack. “They didn’t even have electricity in the Middle Ages,” he rebutted. “Medieval torture devices were much cruder — iron maidens, that sort of thing. Mr. Rivers is trying to obscure the facts with a tightly woven smokescreen of slander, just like all the soldiers in the Armies of Satan. With an attitude like that, he’ll never rise above corporal. Maybe sergeant if he’s lucky, but I doubt it.”

Despite Robertson’s heated protestations, however, Blydenburg conceded that there are still some bugs. “There are a few minor side effects to be studied before we can actually market Gayjack,” she explained. “Some of our subjects, or ‘volunteers’ as we call them, have experienced some loss of memory, motor skills and pulse, which in some cases appears permanent. A few have started speaking French, and this one guy’s watch will only run backwards. It’s weird. I’ve never seen anything like it. Then again, when would I? I’m a prosthodontist.”

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