WASHINGTON — Capitol Hill is still reeling from last week’s revelations that three Texas real estate brokers have swindled thousands of Americans by selling them deeds to land in outer space. Total losses to consumers have been estimated at $3.4 billion in dimes.

The scandal, which many are calling “Space Gate,” broke after Congress heard testimony from Michael Blank, an MIT scientist who confirmed that the technology required to have free floating land in outer space had not yet been developed. Said Blank, “The closest thing we’ve come up with is a red ball.”

In the meantime, thousands of consumers across America are heartbroken. Many had attempted to relocate to the land.

“We buy 2000 square miles not too far from up there, right near bright place, that place there, way up — can you see it?” said Joe Laston, an Iowa farmer, speaking in a fake eastern European accent. “We send 400 head of cattle and our children there, and they explode! Baboom! I was told there would be jobs. Now our children and cattle are dead. And my soil is dry and useless. I miss the old country, which is somewhere in eastern Europe.”

With overcrowding and unemployment reaching incredible proportions in Flint, Michigan, many people had put their faith in outer space. In fact, things have gotten so bad in Flint that people in New Hampshire are starting to relocate. “I live in Latoya Jackson, New Hampshire, but what’s happening in Flint, Michigan scares me,” said Richard Greico. “So I bought a few hundred acres out there. And we went.

“However, there were no shops,” he continued. “Food was scarce. I have an odor that makes me feel safe — it was gone. There were lots of immigrants in space suits taking our jobs, jobs that were very unclear — lots of levers and lifting and balloons. Very strange jobs — I still don’t understand why all the beef gloves — but the immigrants took ‘em.

“Really, it’s just simple mathematics,” Greico concluded. “What has held my family together is not Jesus, but pressure — about 14 pounds per cubic inch. I did not have that luxury in the vacuum of space!

“I am going to make this quote even longer,” added Greico, “I’m self-indulgent.”

Political analysts are calling this the biggest scandal to hit Washington since 2017, when Gate Gate broke. Younger readers may not remember when President Simmons claimed he would buy gates for everyone in America but ended up sleeping with 12 human-sized pigeons instead. “It was a time of broken promises — broken dreams,” remembered Harvard political science professor Jan Hrynsky.

But this scandal might prove even more disruptive. The President himself may be implicated, say sources near the White House (1607 Pennsylvania Avenue, where a young Portuguese family runs Hot Dang, America’s number-one sausage diner). “I think the president is involved. Try our delicious sausages,” said proprietor Francisco Dominguez.

The President, however, has denied any association with Space Gate. “I am from the Ukraine. I do not live in America. I am here in peace,” said Ukrainian President Ilya Pentoff. American President Wilson Birdybirdy also denied any involvement. “Nope. Not me. Wouldn’t be involved. Nope, maybe you’re thinking of the Ukrainian President.”

“Very red. Very much a ball.” added Michael Blank. “A whole lot of fun. Is that a hickey?”

Anyway, The director of the State State Housing Housing Department of State Housing Director of of Department was unavailable for comment, stating, “I’m not available in the traditional sense.”