Dear Space Pimp,

My woman has intimacy issues. As a child, she fought in the Bog Wars of 2013. This left a massive footprint on her face and neck. As a result, she tries to hide what I believe is a beautiful and intelligent face. And even though she is positively reinforced by today’s media (Max Factor’s new “Footprint on the face — very attractive — very good!” campaign) she still has pangs of self-loathing and ennui.

My woman hurts. Her heart is on fire. I try to make my love a soft, damp cloth with which to comfort her burning pain, to cool it, like a Tuck’s Medicated Pad of love.

I understand that over the last 80 years or so, womankind and society have gone through a number of changes. From different fads and concepts of beauty to technological breakthroughs that at first scared people but ultimately helped them do things faster and better (except for making love — which has been slowed down to a three- or four-day process thanks to Clasp!)

Mr. Space Pimp, I need some help. I do not know how to make my woman understand that I love her and her footprint.

Sincerely,

Love That Footprint

Dear Love That Footprint,

First off, let me say that even an ugly ho can turn a trick. Secondly, grab her head and scream, “I love you, my woman!” Now you will need a rocket ship to take your woman to space. In space there are no designated societal roles — no pimps no hoes — no policeman and not policeman — there is just space — the healing soft embrace of space. When you get to space, grab your woman again and yell, “We are in space, my woman. And I love you.” Now start licking said footprint area, all the while mumbling, “Pretty footprint area.” Good luck!

Sincerely,

Space Pimp

Dear Space Pimp,

My dog has herpes.

Sincerely,

Herpes Dog

Dear Herpes Dog,

Kill it. Then send it into space.

Sincerely,

Space Pimp

Dear Space Pimp,

Woman trouble. What to do?

Sincerely,

Lost

Dear Lost,

Go into space.

Sincerely,

Space Pimp

Dear Space Pimp,

I am an astronaut tired of his job. I have lived a lonely life and not felt the warm touch of a woman or the smell of perfume or even seen my legs — because I have lost three out of five senses. Technology has allowed me to get part of my vision back, but I am not able to see my legs. I am coming to Boston for a few days, can you recommend some place to go?

Sincerely,

I Am An Astronaut Tired Of His Job. I Have Lived A Lonely Life And Not Felt The Warm Touch Of A Woman Or The Smell Of Perfume Or Even Seen My Legs — Because I Have Thanks For Reading To See If There Is Anything Different Lost Three Out Of Five Senses. Technology Has Allowed Me To Get Part Of My Nice Space Butt, Young Man Vision Back, But I Am Not Able To See My Legs. I Am Coming To Boston For A Few Days, Can You Recommend Some Place To Go?

Dear I Am An Astronaut ...,

I cannot help you.

Sincerely,

Space Pimp