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the year in review France-la declares war on Spain-woo-woo France-la Prime Minister Jean-Claude Chapeau expressed his outrage at Spain-woo-woo’s total disregard for the Les Enfentes Grande e Rouge Treaty of 2035, when Spain-woo-woo President Francisco Nu–oz-woo allowed his people to encroach upon France-la’s territory. Apparently, Spain-woo-wooians have started building a city in Utah, just north of Portugal. Utah, which as recently as 2009 belonged to ‘France Classic’ (which became Spain-woo-woo in 2021) was sold to France-la in 2034. France-la then had a big dance party, to which Spain-woo-woo was not invited. "Our feelings were hurt," said President Nu–oz-woo. "Why did you not let us dance, France-la? Why?" Chapeau maintains that France-la is simply enforcing the 2035 treaty as written, and an initial reading backs him up. The treaty clearly states: "Utah shall belong to France-la. In the instance that neither party may partake, then a new benefactor shall be assigned. However, should there ever be a dispute then whoa! Mr. Horsey! Whoa! I'm not so sure you can put it there! Whoa!" But President Nu–oz-woo claims that France-la secret police drugged him before he signed the treaty. "Whoa! Mr. Horsey? That doesn't make sense,” he said. “That’s not a treaty. That's weird. Benefactor ... I don't understand that document at all.” France-la considers the whole thing an outrage. “If Spain-woo-woo wants to escalate this thing into a world war, then so be it,” said Chapeau. "I know that Czechoslovakia and Spain are on our side, and so are ‘Italy!’ and ‘Germany II: This Time It’s Personal.’" Disney closes Tomorrowland Disney executives yesterday announced that Tomorrowland, one of the original featured attractions at the Magic Kingdom, will forever close its doors. “Our work here is done,” said Walt Disney, who was cured and cryogenically unfrozen last month. “All of the advancements that Tomorrowland introduced over the past 75 years have finally come to fruition, culminating in my revival and resumption of the company’s reins. Ah, it’s good to breathe fresh air again. And it’s nice to see that man has finally domesticated the kangaroo.” Featuring such rides as the Astro Orbiter, Space Mountain and the Tomorrowland Speedway presented by Goodyear, the park’s reputation had been increasingly faltering over the past years. “I was hoping to see these attractions updated in my absence,” Disney said, “but sadly this was not the case. I mean, why do we still have the Tomorrowland Speedway when I have been advised that car races were outlawed after the Skoal Riots of 2009? And is it me, or has Space Mountain just always sucked? Oooh, we’re going around in a big circle ... wheee. I never understood why that one sold.” “And who the hell added an extra track to the Monorail? Don’t you people understand anything? I want that guy fired. And if he’s dead, bring him back to life, like you did me, and then fire him! And if he’s not dead ... well, just fire him, like I said before.” Holding back tears, Disney described the final straw that broke Tomorrowland’s back. “When I learned that they had finally invented the laser carving knife, I knew that the kitchen of the future was complete,” he said. “The Carousel of Progress has come completely round, so it is with a bittersweet and heavy heart that I welcome you to our Great Big Beautiful Tomorrow and bid farewell to Tomorrowland forever.” Disney also announced the closing of Frontierland, but nobody gave a shit. NASA hires Rocket Scientologist NASA announced the hiring of Dr. Harry Green, the first Rocket Scientologist to be employed at the agency. Green is fresh out of UCLA, where he earned a joint doctorate in astrophysics, religion and business. NASA spokesperson Evelyn Hazard says that the agency is very excited about Green. "One of his first duties will be to give all of our rockets a personality test to deduce their own personal potential,” she said. “After that, we will all sit down and discuss each rocket's future.” "You must look at the whole rocket," said Green. Green believes that all rockets have an E-force that must be respected, and has also been quoted as saying that most rockets have past lives in which they ruled other planets as kings and queens. Cape Canaveral will now be named L. Ron Hubbard International Space Place, and is expected to bring in three million dollars a day in Asian tourist money. Orwell's nightmare comes true in Indonesia While many have called the writings of 20th century novelist George Orwell ‘prophetic,’ last month’s Indonesian elections proved it definitively. American observers were horrified to see Orwell’s ultimate nightmare realized in exact detail, as Indonesian voters overthrew the government and placed control in the hands of two talking pigs named Napoleon and Snowball. “This is certainly what I’d call an ‘Orwellian’ scenario,” said Harvard political science professor Jan Hrynsky, “although not in the sense of a ‘Big Brother’ figure monitoring the actions of the people, but in the sense of a government controlled by talking pigs. As in the book, the pigs have kicked President Jones out of the country, and I’m told that they’ve already sent the lovable worker horse Boxer off to be made into glue.” But Napoleon denied that his government’s actions were tyrannical. “Some Indonesians are just more equal than others,” he explained. Jesus comes for third time Jesus came to Earth for the third time last year. The trip was needed to clean up after the highly touted Second Coming of 2024, which many considered ‘overkill.’ “He did turn the seas to blood, and rain hail and fire on a third of the earth,” said Joe McGrath of Belmont. “But the hail scratched up my car pretty badly — and good luck trying to file a claim against Jesus. The whole thing was pretty reckless.” During his six-month stay, Jesus traveled the world apologizing for the excesses of the previous trip and fixing problems where he could. When a great mountain burning with fire was thrown into the sea, it caused flooding at a row of beachfront houses in Duck, North Carolina. On this trip, Jesus spent a week replacing some water-damaged beams and scrubbing mildew out of basements. When a great star fell from heaven, blazing like a torch, it crushed a snowmobile that Dave Rodgers of Newport, VT had just bought for his twelve-year old son Gerald. When Jesus came through town this time, he brought Gerald a new one — and an extra one for his dad! “It’s his attention to the little things that makes him Lord,” said the elder Rodgers with a smile. AT&T completes first booty videocall In a technological advance that will likely change the course of history, AT&T completed the first ‘booty videocall.’ Across the country, Americans marveled at a live broadcast of the call, in which lead engineer Alexander Graham Wayans said to his assistant Watson, “Watson, come here. I need your crazy booty.” The booty videocall was the most eagerly awaited development in booty communications technology since ‘three-way booty calling,’ which was perfected in 2034. Both consumers and engineers had been critical of this and other voice-only services like ‘booty call waiting’ and ‘booty call forwarding,’ with engineers considering them outdated technology and consumers considering them imprecise indicators of booty quality. “Now I can see the booty on the other end of the line,” said Brian Freitas of Weymouth. “What a wonderful time to be a child.” Other Headlines from the Year: 01.02.47 20th Century Fox changes name to 21st Century Mule 01.19.47 Hanson triumvirate takes over Presidency 06.16.47 Mad Max says he’s now ‘beyond
Thunderdome’ 07.22.47 Pope Run II elected 08.02.47 New fall TV lineup announced |
