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July 2, 1998

National news in brief

Pharmacy Refuses to Fill Prescription for Laughter

FRANKLIN, Tennessee — In the face of public pressure, Brooks Pharmacy acknowledged that its parent company, Hill/Lockerdale, has established a policy to ignore pharmaceutical prescriptions for laughter. Consumer groups are outraged and have begun to organize a massive boycott of all Hill/Lockerdale businesses.laughter.jpg (9058 bytes)

The situation first became known when a 76-year-old Tennessee man attempted to fill a prescription written him by his family doctor. Robert Green went to a local Brooks Pharmacy and was informed that his prescription for pharmaceutical laughter would not be honored, and that he must go elsewhere for his "best medicine."

"I have no car and am on a fixed income," said Green. "Where will I fill this? I can’t be without my laughter, it’s all I have left." Green declined a formal interview because he wasn’t dressed for it.

The Weekly Week learned Friday that Hill/Lockerdale has expanded its prescription denial to include prescriptions made out for hand grenades, time-saving devices, musical ability, ladders and street-cleaning machinery. Although Hill/Lockerdale has admitted to this practice, they have failed to offer any statement as to why. It is unclear where people with these prescriptions can go for service.

Three quarters of the American public believe that laughter is the best medicine, yet this odd business practice seems to go on unchecked. The Federal Government will eventually mount a formal investigation, but until that time, laughter-seeking patients will be forced to buy their stash illegally on the streets.

Clinton’s new Surgeon General vows to "discipline" bad food

WASHINGTON — Frank Shorter, President Clinton’s new pick for his Surgeon General cabinet position, has come out swinging. Shorter, an outspoken sadomasochist, has vowed to apply S&M laws of dominance to food that is bad (for you).

Early on in the confirmation process, Shorter made it clear that he was a different type of Surgeon General appointee. Shorter stated publicly that he thinks all bad food should be "taught a lesson" and that he was the "whip master" to do it.

Clinton hopes the choice will silence his critics and eradicate his previous failures at making solid cabinet appointments. Clinton told the Weekly Week that he’s proud of this nominee, and that Frank takes his work very seriously.

Living up to his tough reputation, Shorter appeared before the Senate Confirmation Committee in full bondage and sporting a scowl. Shorter announced that his first act as Surgeon General would be to personally visit all stores in the Metro-Washington area that sold "bad food" and crush them. "I’m a man with a masochistic mission," Shorter told Senators.

Attorney General Janet Reno told reporters that she’d like the opportunity to question Shorter "out of the spotlight, one-on-one." After close constitutional scrutiny, it was determined that this would be illegal, however pleasant it might be for Reno personally.

Shorter is a Princeton graduate with a doctorate from Harvard Law School in Bio-Sadomasochistic law. He’s a native of Georgia, and speaks with a slight southern twang. He enjoys kudzu, leather, dry shaving and warm spring nights. His turn offs are fried foods, inconsiderate people and heavy cream.

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