Saturn unveils vehicle that runs on friendship, love and communication

SPRING HILL, TENN. -- Saturn’s new CEO, Brian Aimsley, believes that love is the most powerful force in the known universe and announced plans Tuesday for a new concept car that runs on just that. Saturn’s engineers have developed a revolutionary four-cylinder, front-wheel-drive vehicle, tentatively called the "Honesty," that runs solely on strength derived from inner peace and personal growth.

Saturn’s naturally aspirated internal combustion engine remains almost unchanged -- the only real differences are in the fuel intake system. Engineers have replaced the traditional fuel intake manifold with a sensitive, yet honest, counselor or "facilitator" figure. This caring facilitator’s role is to balance absolute manifold pressure with the ambient air charge rate, creating a loving and nurturing holistic environment.

Once the incoming air mixture is greeted in this friendly way, it is then ready to be ushered into the combustion chamber for a clean burn.

"Gone are temperature switches and air flow meters," says Hal Fern, director of Saturn’s Bio-lab. "We’ve created an engine that runs on trust, love and true friendship." The first to float the concept of honesty and love as a fuel source, Fern is now sitting on a multi-billion-dollar patent that could change the world.

Saturn also announced that early emission tests showed no trace of hydrocarbons or any pollutants in the Honesty’s exhaust. The only measurable substance in this vehicle’s emissions is pure agape love. Agape love is best described as the act of giving love while expecting nothing in return.

The company plans to announce preliminary pricing for the vehicle in March of 1999. Eager consumers will need to begin prepping themselves with a little more sharing and family time now, in order to be ready to "power up" the Honesty in time for the vehicle’s release next summer.

Saturn also plans a coupe model that will run on attitude and greed.

Lolly Wumps cause crisis

BOSTON -- After an accounted 3,470 emergency calls, the world has officially declared an "All Person (Danger) Lookout Warning" for Boston residents in regard to the recent increases of the Lolly Wumps.

"Yeah," said the Policeman, "it’s way worser now than it was before, (you know). I think it’s up to us (the Policemen) to fight crime in regards to the Lolly Wumps, because it’s just gonna get more sucky." He said!

Says the President of Boston, "I hate the Lolly Wumps. They are the most horriblest!" And then the President ate breakfast AT DINNERTIME!

Then the Surgeon General said, "The Lolly Wumps are the chief cause of cancer and crabs! If I saw one, I’d be all, ‘I hate you!’ Then I’d make the Secret Service go shoot at them." That’s what the Surgeon General said. He did.

We interviewed the Lolly Wumps’ Moms and they said, "[high falsetto voice] We’re gonna spank them to punish them those guys guess what if they also have to take out the trash too!"

Yeah, nobody likes the Lolly Wumps. Nobody. Even their Moms hate them. Oh but here comes the first interview with a Lolly Wump:

WW: How come you guys are such jerks?

LW: How come you’re such a dickless?

WW: I am not.

LW: Yes and also guess what? You’re a gaylord.

See? I told you they were sucky. And now the state of Boston has declared that they are official fags. So there you go that’s the article on the Lolly Wumps.