Rick Hannigan: One Big Pederast
by REG TWEEDY
CAMBRIDGE Cambridge schoolteacher Rick Hannigan wasnt always such a big pederast. In fact, before he discovered PowerAid training shakes, he was a very small pederast.
"Its true," said Rick, reclining back in his desk at Cambridge Middle School where he teaches English and geography. "I used to be so small that I had trouble overwhelming even 10-year-old boys. It was a disaster."
But then Rick discovered PowerAid. He drinks two shakes a day, and works out in the afternoon. Since he began the program hes put on almost 50 pounds of muscle.
"I really owe so much to PowerAid, I cant begin to tell you. I had become so disillusioned, so depressed I was thinking about quitting teaching. I had so many things I wanted to do, and it just seemed like I couldnt achieve them. I was too small. But when life puts obstacles in your way, thats when you have to respond. Thats what I always teach my classes you cant give up. "
So Rick enrolled in the PowerAid program. He began seeing a personal trainer and cut out the fatty foods. And he began consulting a psychologist.
"At first I was a little embarrassed about going to Dr. Stanley. I guess even today theres still a stigma attached to seeing a psychologist. But I have to tell you, he was great. He showed me where I was going wrong. It wasnt just that I had an underdeveloped body I had an underdeveloped mind. He really put me back on track."
Six months later it was a new Rick Hannigan who asked an unruly sixth grader to stay after class for special work. Strong, lean and positive-thinking, Rick had no problems with young Billy Garrison that day. Nor has he had any problems since.
When I asked for a demonstration of Ricks newfound prowess he brought in his prize student, Tommy Rolan. Rolan looked every bit the wrestler his letter jacket said he was, but Hannigan was able to force him to the ground in minutes. As big as hed become, I wondered how anyone could resist Rick Hannigan now.
"Its not just size," Rick cautioned, "speed counts too. All the muscles in the world arent going to help if you cant catch up when the boys try to run away. "
To maintain his speed Rick does agility and reflex drills. He consults Dr. Stanley once a month "to keep my mind in shape." And he admits to reading a number of trade magazines dedicated to teachers like him. "You have to keep up with the newest techniques," he said. "Because I know the boys are."
I asked Rick if he worried about squandering his talents on middle school boys.
"I did think about teaching high school for a while," Rick admitted, "but my heart wasnt in it. Once they get to 15, I find them hard to connect with."
About Reg Tweedy
The Weekly Week is proud to announce the addition of Reg Tweedy to the staff. English by birth, Mr. Tweedy recently left the Manchester Post after career opportunities in the US as well as a "misunderstanding" with a pub owner and his daughters compelled him to emigrate.
Mr. Tweedy has been on the Weekly Week payroll since January, but this is the first article we have received from him. (In the interim, we had heard from Tweedy only once, a desperate midnight call from Memphis in which he pleaded for more money and "fewer witches.") We are pleased to have Mr. Tweedy back in custody, er ... Cambridge, and we hope you enjoy this, the first of many articles that he is now contractually obligated to write.