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August 13, 1998

Texas secedes from itself
Move causes rift in space/time

THE SOUTHWEST — Last night at 3:30 p.m. EST, Texas seceded from itself and disappeared, leaving a gap in the space-time continuum. One federal witness described the event as "a large poof."texas.jpg (23408 bytes)

For months now, Texas has been threatening to secede from the union and become its own sovereign state. Finding little support through legal avenues, the separatists were apparently forced to adopt more extreme tactics.

"I still don’t understand how they managed this feat," said astronomer/physicist Kip Thorne at an emergency press conference held in New Mexico. "They must have been secreting away brilliant minds for decades to do this. I mean, this is a state where they have mechanical bulls you can ride in almost every restaurant! And people will pay to do it! How could they have pulled it off? I just don’t get it."

By scrutinizing satellite photos taken at around the T.O.P. (time of poof), a team of Los Alamos scientists have pieced together a theory about how the disappearance happened.

"The old saying goes, ‘everything is bigger in Texas,’ and turns out that’s true right down to the subatomic level," stated head scientist Jeremy Bessener. "Quarks, electrons, even neutrinos all come in ‘regular’ and ‘Texas-sized.’ All that missing ‘dark matter’ astronomers were concerned about was right there, mixed in with armadillos and horned toads and line dancing. And with all that extra mass, it was only a matter of time before the Lone Star finally went nova."

Other scientists have different ideas, however. "It was my understanding that Texas was one of the less enlightened areas of the U.S.," said Nobel laureate Stephen Hawking. "I think we all have something to learn here. Maybe large belts — or a general excess of leather goods — is the key. Maybe it was the heat, the dry heat. Maybe ... maybe it was the smell. Texas smelled pretty bad last time I drove through. Many theories exist."

Former residents took the news in stride. "This is no surprise to me," commented Micheal Epins, a San Antonio marriage counselor who was visiting his sister in Oklahoma at the time. "It was just a matter of time before the rest of the country did something... anything ... to set this troubled state off. It was a time bomb — one with many cows — but a time bomb nonetheless."

Others see the newly cleared area as a chance to start over. Ted Danson and Beau Bridges have already tried to plant trees in the area, only to discover that anything crossing the boundary, dicotomous cicadia included, simply melt into a localized gravity well, never to be seen in this dimension again.

Plans to drop New Jersey, France and a warehouse full of "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper stickers are already in the works. If successful, larger objects such as the corpse of William Conrad will soon be delivered in a constant stream, removing trash permanently from our world. Scientists were originally concerned that the incredible gravitational pull exerted by the anti-Texas will eventually suck in nearby states such as Oklahoma. However, it has since been determined that such an occurrence would be "no big loss."

Said one-time Texas Secession supporter Chuck P. Wallace, as a tear rolled down his cheek and onto his rawhide leather vest, "Wherever you are Texas, thank you. Thank you." He then fired a gun.

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