new sexy diapers
New product should hit shelves by Valentines Day
MEDFORD At a press conference today, Huggies president Walter Spafford announced a new line of diapers that will, in Spaffords words, "change the way we look at things that keep poop off the clothes." The line of products, billed as "Sexy Diapers," is expected to hit store shelves in late November.
"Were making sure that theyre out in plenty of time for Valentines Day," said Lois Wallace, Huggies publicist.
Spafford said that Huggies had originally developed the idea with Victorias Secret, but the two parted ways due to the gap in the two companies demographics. "More specifically, they said they wouldnt have anything to do with our product," said Spafford. "Which is fine with us because that means we get to have exclusive rights to the Sexy Diapers as long as the U.S. Patent Office complies."
When reached for comment, the U.S. Patent Office was ambivalent. "Im not sure I approve of this product," said diaper patent official Arnold Kentsburgh.
"Huggies sent me several prototypes. I remember seeing tiger- and zebra-striped diapers, in addition to leopard prints and numerous lace variations. Most confusing to me was the crotchless diaper which, I feel, almost renders the purpose of diapers obsolete."
Parents were similarly ambivalent. "I dont know," said Glenda Barksdale of Belmont. "I mean, how absorbent is lace, anyway? Have these diapers been properly tested? These diapers look sexy but how sexy are they really? And what about chafing? I dont want to have to be constantly nursing my infants diaper rash for the sake of being sexy."
Indeed, at the press conference the question that seemed to be asked most frequently by reporters was, "Who in their right mind is going to dress their toddler up in something like that?"
But publicist Wallace is confident in the products appeal. "Who are they to say what a baby wants?" she asked. "They dont understand that babies are tired of being cute and cuddly. The babies of today are sick of being submissive and want the dominance that they can only get from our Sexy Diapers."
In that vein, Wallace made available the script for the first commercial for Sexy Diapers.
Cut in. Camera shows a dancing baby, a la "Ally McBeal." The baby is wearing the leading-brand diaper and begins to cry. The baby continues to dance, as the crying gets louder and more disturbing.
After seven minutes, the crying, now a banshee-like wail, turns into a blood-curdling scream, as the shot of the dancing baby slowly dissolves into one of a Nazi war camp.
This becomes a montage of photo stills including a naked Vietnamese child running in the street and Kennedys assassination as John Lennons "Imagine" plays softly in the background.
Suddenly, a regal and triumphant French horn. This cues the final clip of the baby, now joyously happy, dancing in Huggies Sexy Diapers as Right Said Freds "Im Too Sexy" plays in the background. This continues for 12 more minutes.
Fade to black.
Wallace said that Huggies plans also to release a special line of Showgirls diapers that offer feather- and rhinestone-encrusted likenesses of the Las Vegas dancers outfits for both boys and girls. She says that the company also plans to release a line of Sexy Adult Diapers, including edible and G-diapers.