smallbanner.gif (1847 bytes)
September 10, 1998: The Year in Review

Brendon Small's guide to fancy drinks

For years, I have been a connoisseur of fancy drinks. When I am spotted at any of the overwhelming number of social gatherings that I attend, it is a rare occasion that I am not sipping from the fanciest of fancy beverages. Sometimes I am sipping from several fancy drinks at once! It is a status symbol, the fancy drink, not a sign of dependency, for I use the beverage as an accessory rather than a drug. (Though I always seem to put them down empty — tee hee!)

Many of the heroes of contemporary culture are defined by the beverage they drink, from James Bond’s martini (shaken, not stirred) to Popeye’s spinach (though this is not so much a beverage). We are all susceptible to the alluring hipness and indescribable beauty of the fancy drink.

Now I understand that one might feel intimidated by not knowing which fancy drink to order. Fear not, my budding socialites! For I, Brendon Small, will guide you down the path of fancy-beverage enlightenment! There are so many wonderful drinks out there, and as plain as the nose on my nose there is a fancy drink custom-tailored for you.

Some people are fond of drinks that are en vogue rather than drinks that suit their personality or physical appearance. But I subscribe to the theory that a drink doesn’t have to be popular to be fancy. In fact, an unusual drink can be a great conversation piece. The following is a brief review of some fancy beverages that I hold very dear. Enjoy!

1. The Bloody Milton: Very similar to the Bloody Mary, but instead of vodka the foundation is peppermint schnapps. A uniquely odd combination of tomato and mint, it holds the same red color as the original, which is a personal favorite in that it sets off my soft blue eyes.

2. The Virgin Martini: Just olives. A simple nonalcoholic version of the original. Secret hint: a drink like this usually costs $4.50, so I usually go to the store ahead of time and purchase olives that I continually drop into my glass throughout the evening.

3. Singapore Sling: A delicious grenadine and gin drink that comes served in a repressive Asian nation.

4. Johnny’s Clubbed Foot: This beverage is served in a ladle and is a combination of scotch whiskey, tap water and toothpaste. A tub is filled with the scotch/water concoction then the ladle (covered in a fine argyle sock) is dipped in the beverage. Finally the outer lip of the ladle is topped with the toothpaste of your choice! Mmm — fancy!

5. The Muppets Take The Manhattan: Bourbon, vermouth and felt. Blend thoroughly.

6. Liquid Plum’r: A very strong drink. A chaser is usually needed in addition to a stomach pump and a coffin.

7. Drink Drink: A drink for your drink. A smaller-scale drink usually matching the drink you are drinking. A small straw attaches the two beverages so the drink can drink.

8. The Thanksgiving Goblet: A liquid form of Thanksgiving leftovers. Mashed potatoes, gravy, white and red wine, Kool-Aid, cranberry sauce, soda water and last but not least, an entire turkey. If no turkey is available, substitute turkey schnapps.

9. The Phil Collins: Genesis and tonic. Garnish with a slice of lime.

10. Sodomy by Proxy: Crushed ice, a Lego, and Guam. (Yes, the American territory.)

Keep reading for more of Brendon Small’s Guide to Fancy Beverages. And remember: "If you’re not drinking a fancy beverage, then you’re not!"

lowernav.gif (10023 bytes)