Eurotrash recycling program
BOSTON In a joint press conference yesterday, the City of Boston and the Phoenix Media Group unveiled the citys new Eurotrash recycling program.
Under the plan, city residents will be asked to separate out young club-going Europeans from the rest of their garbage and place them in special recycling bins. After processing, the recycled Eurotrash will be used by the Phoenix Media Group to print their nightlife magazine Stuff@Night.
"Today is a great day for the city of Boston," said Boston mayor Tom Menino, who wore a T-shirt reading "Save a Tree: Recycle Henri." "Our citys rich young Europeans finally have a purpose, and for that I am happy."
"This is just one more way were staying on the cutting edge of media," said Stuff@Night editor Newton McCormick. "Other magazines may go after the Eurotrash demographic, but we are going to be the first to actually print on it. We think our advertisers will appreciate that."
Since the early 1970s, Boston has been experimenting with different ways of disposing with its Eurotrash glut. Environmental groups estimate that the greater Boston area generates enough Eurotrash to fill 22 dance clubs every single night, excluding those evenings when the World Cup is on.
For years the waste was deposited in a Euro-landfill in the Back Bay. But as the foundation settled, air pockets were released, blanketing the entire downtown area with the smell of CK1. Neighboring communities successfully lobbied to have the Eurotrash removed from the ground and put back into the clubs where it belonged.
The city attempted to ship the Eurotrash to landfills in nearby cities, but to no avail. In a famous 1987 incident, a barge full of the citys Eurotrash spent five months at sea looking for a port. It was forced to return to Boston when scientists determined that the barges throbbing techno dance beats were interfering with undersea plate tectonics.
Just as the city was about to embark on a costly project to jettison the Eurotrash into space, officials received a desperate call from Phoenix president Chris Gottlieb, who was concerned about the fledgling Stuff@Night.
"We had tried party pics, fashion photo spreads, gorgeous models everything," recalled Gottlieb. "But inevitably the readers eyes were straying to our editorial content. We realized that printing the paper on Eurotrash was just the diversion we needed."
"Its coming just in the nick of time, too," added Gottlieb. "Were running out of T stops for our T party column the next one is called Cleveland Circle Jerk."
However, the move to 100 percent recycled Eurotrash paper has not been without its difficulties. One problem: the recycled paper causes the written copy to be translated immediately into Eurotrash-English.
For example, heres a listing from a recent Stuff@Night, pre-recycling:
"Thursday, July 2nd: The stage production of Disneys "Beauty and the Beast" opens tonight at the Wang Theatre (270 Tremont Street, Boston). Tickets are $15 to $55."
What appears on the recycled page, however, is the following:
"Is Thursday 2 of July. Again time to go to M-80, no? Tonight again to dance to house music and to spend our parents money, no? Again to clubs like last night and the night before, to there we go like we will tomorrow, no?"
There have also been reports of the new Stuff@Night magazines disappearing out of their boxes at 10 p.m. and returning at 3 a.m., smelling of cigarettes and martinis.