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September 10, 1998: The Year in Review

Your Horoscope
by Max the Psychic

ARIES (MARCH 21-APRIL 19): You should stop ordering Martinis — you don’t like them and people get upset each time you spit up and say, "This is awful." Also, stop crouching in street corners and screaming, "I am American’s first human looking robot! I am just like you except for I am mildly retarded."

TAURUS (APRIL 20-MAY 20): Grab the waiter and yell, "If I wanted coffee, I wouldn’t have said coffee? Would I have? Yes I would have! Sorry, my mistake."

GEMINI (MAY 21-JUNE 20): You will buy a humidor in which you will keep your cat. At first the cat will be happy ... after all, a humidor is full of cigars! Soon, though, your cat will die. Remember, torturing animals is wrong, unless it is for cosmetic reasons — because worse than a dead cat is an ugly woman.

CANCER (JUNE 21-JULY 22): You should be proud of your idea. It is a very good idea. To combine a spork with a spork and make a very spork. That’s invention!

LEO (JULY 23-AUGUST 22): When a stranger asks you what time it is, don’t tell them. Instead, give them herpes. This will teach them to be so nosy.

VIRGO (AUGUST 23-SEPTEMBER 22): Someone will tell you that you are ugly. You tell them that they only think that because the media controls their image of beauty. If they still insist that you are ugly, then tell them that the concept "ugly" is just a construct of language, and that nothing is inherently beautiful or ugly. If after that they still insist that you are ugly, then you should buy my book, How to Live with Being Objectively Ugly.

LIBRA (SEPTEMBER 23-OCTOBER 22): The Chinese have a saying: "The French have a saying." You too have a saying, but it’s not very good. Did you actually believe that your saying could be as good as those of the Chinese and French combined? You should be less arrogant.

SCORPIO (OCTOBER 23-NOVEMBER 21): You’ve got trouble with a capital T. Now, all you need is fence with a lower case n and grasshopper with a g. Soon enough you’ll win at McDonald’s new "Collect Words With Letters" game.

SAGITTARIUS (NOVEMBER 22-DECEMBER 21): This week you will fall in love and get married. There is no joke. This horoscope is based on actual astrological data gathered by scientists — Canadian midget scientists. Got you!

CAPRICORN (DECEMBER 22-JANUARY 19): The K.G.B. will come to your house and insist that you are "da bomb." You will deny everything. However, they will manage to prove the existence of a supreme being, whether it is Yahweh, Vishnu or Vishweh, the God for all seasons. This will make you look foolish. You should clean your apartment, so at least you don’t come off as a slobby heretic.

AQUARIUS (JANUARY 20-FEBRUARY 18): There is quite a bit of future in your future. You will live forever because you will find a magical alien suit that will give you eternal life. Sadly, though, the suit will give you the appearance of a smaller head. As a result, dating will get tough.

PISCES (FEBRUARY 19-MARCH 20): Imagine if our universe was the fingernail of a cow. Now imagine if that universe was a button. There’s a lot going on in your Raver Pants, huh?

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ARIES (MARCH 21-APRIL 19): What’s black and white and a zebra? Your future, zebra-boy.

TAURUS (APRIL 20-MAY 20): Someone will offer you peyote and say, "We can do anything with Mother Earth!" You will become simple and animalistic. You will punch them and say, "I can do anything to you, Motherfucker! Motherfuck your Motherfuckin’ earth."

GEMINI (MAY 21-JUNE 20): Esperanto is not the "language of the gods" that I promised you last time. Sorry.

CANCER (JUNE 21- JULY 22): A quilt, copper and rope. Skip, blopper, mope. Crank, banker, coke. Stake, stalker, woke. Dowse, mouser, chose. Mottle, hotter, haute. What’s this, naught? Nope! You cry, die, spoke. Dangle, spackle, croak! Have you shone? Stunted, grunted, groan. Why are you alone? Tempted, dropped, drop. One last chop. Drinking, drunk, draught. (Call Patrick at 617-629-7747 if you think this horoscope was off and would like another one).

LEO (JULY 23-AUGUST 22): In the future, it won’t be necessary for children to wear protective gear while running or climbing. Because, in the future, we will have rubber children. Ho technology! Ho!

VIRGO (AUGUST 23-SEPTEMBER 22): You will be wet from above in bed. Your window is open. It is rain. Don’t try to make sense of what children tell you. They often use arguments based on cultural relativism to coerce grown-ups to give them food and jewels. They are nothing but pirates, though they would argue that pirates have their own laws that we should not judge. Tricky children.

LIBRA (SEPTEMBER 23-OCTOBER 22): There is a saying from the old country: "He who walks — walks wisely. He who runs in place. Hi, Papa. Salad?" But in that country, they have a saying from their old country, and it goes like this: "Monkeys in camouflage are not what they appear to be, thanks to the camouflage." And in that old country, they have no feet.

SCORPIO (OCTOBER 23-NOVEMBER 21): You will develop the mannerisms of a marsupial. You will begin by stuffing small children into your pockets and finish by polishing shoes. It’s possible that a smart marsupial could do that — and that’s what you are.

SAGITTARIUS (NOVEMBER 22-DECEMBER 21): When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. However, when life gives you proms, do not make promenade. Be careful how you use analogies this week, it could get you into trouble: trouble like a train going to Nowheresville filled with horses that are meant for slaughter, but instead are slaughtered. See?

CAPRICORN (DECEMBER 22-JANUARY 19): Some people might think that honesty is the best policy, but I think Canada’s system of universal health care is pretty good too. I’m sorry I had to make that joke. Go mountain climbing this week. Bring a bag filled with good ideas. When you get to the top of the mountain, look in the bag. Most likely, you won’t find mountain climbing, but definitely, you won’t find what you friggin’ said to me yesterday. You should apologize.

AQUARIUS (JANUARY 20-FEBRUARY 18): I think I love you. Never mind, it was actually just something on my leg.

PISCES (FEBRUARY 19-MARCH 20): You will become the richest person in the world, when America changes its monetary system from a gold standard to an asshole standard, asshole. •

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