|Letters to the
A libbidy-lee! A semminy-hi, a libbidy-lee! Libbidy-lee, semminy-hi.
Do you know who I am? What are you? Are you some kind of a book-person? Do you not think that I read? I read. Of course I do, all the time.
Listen here, my friend. I have published two books. Two books... ehh, fuck it. They went to no one nobody. Who read them? I told you, they went to no one. I wrote them when I was in Toronto. What are they about? Ahh, forget it already. Just forget it. No one nobody read them. They went to no one.
Did you know that I am a good driver? No? Of course I am. Of course. At one point I went 28 years without crashing.
Have I ever crashed? Ah, you would ask that. Of course I have crashed. When? I crashed just last year. Of course Ive crashed. But, I did go 28 years with no crash.
Where was this? This was in France, Bulgaria, Austria, and Salt Lake City.
And then my wife gave birth. What? Where is she? Ah! Shes not here. Where, you ask, is she? Look around. Do you see her? Shes not here.
I dont know any more. I dont know....
Did you know that I was picked by my country to go into space? What? Did I go? Of course I didnt go. Of course not. What do you think I am? I didnt go into space. What, are you nuts? Hmm?
Have you ever hurt someone? Yes? Why did you do it? Oh, that is a good reason. Then you are a good person for doing it. I like you. Now, you are someone I can trust.
What about me? Have I ever hurt someone? Of course I have. Of course.
I built a catapult once. What? What did I use it for? What do you think I used it for? What do you think? To fling boulders. Thats what a catapult is for. What? Did I kill anyone with it? Of course not. Of course not.
Do you have a nickel I could borrow? Oh, thank you. Thank you. Youre a good person. I like you.
Dear Weekly Week,
I would love it if you wrote an article on something that always cracks me up: the saying, "stakes is high." Oh man does that saying just crack me up. It is such a ridiculous saying! You should write a funny article using it, maybe something like "Stakes is High in Brookline." Yeah, ha, ha, oh, that kills me! Or maybe something like "Fire Chief says: Stakes is High." Oh, man! Now THATS funny!
Well, anyway, let me know if you will do it because I will definitely tell all my friends and I will take some extra copies of that issue!
Laughing in Everett,
Hey, Maury shut up.
Well, it does seem that there are some heroes left in this world. When my son Jonas wrote to you for help, I had to smile and turn away, crying, because it broke my heart to see my sweet little boy turn to a satirical adult newspaper in hopes of defeating the bullies in his fifth-grade class.
The same malicious boys have teased, ridiculed and physically abused my Jonas ever since we moved to Newton from Pedumsah, Minnesota two years ago. It broke our hearts to see a pure and happy child destroyed, day after day, for no other reason than his Scandinavian name.
Repeated attempts to help Jonas through school officials and contacts with the bullies parents proved fruitless. We were on the verge of moving back to Minnesota when a kind-hearted miracle took place.
Jonas was scared to get in line for his bus because he spotted the four boys, watching him, ready to pounce. But then, out of nowhere, Jonas said a rusty brown station wagon pulled up with a Weekly Week sticker on it.
Jonas ran up to the car with trepidation and told the men in the car who he was. The men got out of the car, asked him to point out the bullies and then told him to step back. The Weekly Week kicked the crap out of those bullies! The publisher, Ben Dryer, apparently threw one of them through a window! Staff writers Bill Wasik and Patrick Borelli took turns delivering vicious blows to the head of one boy.
Needless to say, the bullies are no longer bullies.
I am forever grateful for the swift, violent justice you delivered in the name of my tortured son Jonas.
Betty and Josh Andressen
Dear Weekly Week,
I have no interest in Yemen. I have absolutely no interest in it and I wish that you didnt mention it in your article entitled, "He has interest in Yemen."
It was false and I can sue for libel if I choose. I used to enjoy picking up your paper. I used to always get it at the honor box on Centre Street in Jamaica Plain, just outside J.P. Licks. Well, my jaw dropped last Tuesday when I saw you had gone and written an article about me.
In it you specifically pointed out me as the main person ready to acquire parts of Yemen. I quote: "He has been looking at Yemen. We feel he wants it. We feel he will get it. He always gets what he wants."