smallbanner.gif (1847 bytes)
September 10, 1998: The Year in Review

Advice from a Pimp


Dear Pimp,

Recently I switched banks. I used to use U.S. Trust, and now I still do. What I mean to say is, I use U.S. Trust. Sorry, I mean U.S. Trust.

What I’m wondering is how I can effectively transfer my funds so that they are in the other bank (U.S. Trust). Right now, they are in U.S. Trust.

Sincerely,
Banking Man

Dear Banking Man,

I feel disarmed by your problem. I don’t use a bank. I keep most of my money taped to the backs of my bitches’ necks. If I need to transfer my money, I just pull it off and put it on someone else.

However, I’ve thought of a great home remedy for ear infections. This is effective on both the left ear and right ear — but not an ear of corn! I am sorry, I have become "The Pimp of Puns." Anyway, what you need is two ounces of ho cream and a pinch of john oil. Mix the two together in a baking pan. Smear the blend onto the infected ear and wait.

I wish I had better banking advice for you.

Sincerely,
Pimp


Dear Pimp,

My mother doesn’t allow me to go to the movies on school nights, even though I was generally a good student (I got an A on my paper on paper). I love the movies though — sometimes I play along and scream at my popcorn, accusing it. But now I can’t do that, at least not on school nights.

What irks me is that my mother does not understand my needs. I am almost thirty, and I think it’s time I stopped functioning as if I was in school. I graduated from high school over ten years ago and am myself married. I let my children go to the movies, even though they are three and four. They loved Last Tango in Paris.

Sincerely,
Joe Walsh, Jr.

Dear Joe,

Your mother reminds me of a ho I once knew. By "ho" I mean prostitute. However, by "prostitute" I do not mean the typical street walker. I mean a woman who prostitutes herself socially and morally to achieve her goals. This woman — this "ho," so to speak — happened to want drugs, and got them by having sex with men. I know what you’re thinking: how does this 1) relate to me and 2) what are you talking about?

Well, I guess I’m not addressing your question directly, but I am saying this: vernacular and proper English have many intertwining meanings. Redefine all the words your mother uses by creating your own slang and then respond to everything she says in a manner that is in accordance with the new definitions. Good luck!

Sincerely,
Pimp

P.S. Why not try renting movies?


Dear Pimp,

I have this problem meeting people. Whenever I get near someone I have not previously met, I quickly fall to the ground. I have tried several forms of medication, including pills, but none have helped (although my head is no longer swollen). Last night, I came up to a girl, and promptly fell. It isn’t a good story, but it is a very good example of my problem.

Sincerely,
Fall and Fall

Dear Fall and Fall,

As a pimp I would suggest you show your woman who is who and which way is up. However, you have no woman. Also, in this modern age, it has become unnecessary for men to show women which way is up because of certain breakthroughs in technology.

What you need to do is build up your confidence. Ask yourself, "What am I good at?" Maybe it’s painting, maybe it’s poetry. When you decide it’s poetry, try eating a lot of eggs. You know what us pimps say: "Eggs banish the hobgoblin of insecurity."

Sincerely,
Pimp

lowernav.gif (10023 bytes)