smallbanner.gif (1847 bytes)
September 24, 1998

Urkel ascends unto Heaven

Saying that his "work on Earth was done," Jaleel White, "Family Matters"’ Urkel, today ascended unto heaven. The popular sitcom star was 24.

Reaction among those left behind was uniformly positive. Michelle Thomas (Myra) summed up the mood of the "Family Matters" cast. "It’s about time, really. Frankly, we all hoped God would call for him long before this. He had done enough good for one lifetime."

In a private ceremony held yesterday in the Santa Monica mountains, family and friends gathered to watch White ride up to heaven on a burning chariot. As he disappeared into the clouds, the assembled crowd sang a medley of 1970s rock classics, culminating in a stirring version of Foghat’s "Fool for the City," in which 9,000 white doves, symbolizing the 9,000 days Urkel spent among man, were released from a nearby animal shelter.

Unfortunately, nearby poachers mistook the doves for partridge, and shot them down before they could be apprised of their mistake.

Mourners at the ceremony spoke repeatedly of Urkel’s special gifts. "He was a miracle worker, no question," said Darius McCrary, "Family Matters"’ Eddie. "I remember one time we were taping late and there was no food. All the stores were closed, and we were totally out of bourbon. So Urkel came over and laid hands on this empty doughnut box we had, and voila. Ten dozen donuts. Of course Carl ate them all before we had a chance. That fat pig."

Urkelites the world over lamented the departure of their leader. At spontaneous firelight vigils and lengthy churchyard sermons, Urkel priests comforted their bereaved flocks.

"It’s a big shock to some of them, yes,’ said Brother Mabel of the Cincinnati Knights of Urkel order. "We’d all seen the signs that he was due. Just yesterday while playing Scrabble I drew a six-letter "Urkel" that, aside from netting me 48 points on a double word score, together with the other words on the board — "is going to die on Thursday" — suggested, at least to the enlightened ones among us, that he was ... due. But I won the game, in his glory."

"We should not mourn his passing," said Brother Tamerlaine. "Not only was it inevitable, but it can only help mankind. From up in heaven Urkel will be able to do much more good for the world, slipping God little tips and getting into wacky escapades with Him, like He was Carl."

Catholic theologians confirmed that God was, like Carl on "Family Matters," a pudgy, good-natured African-American policeman.

lowernav.gif (10023 bytes)