arrested at Logan
Star detained by airport security after telling gate agent he was dy-no-mite
BOSTON 1970s comedian and "Good Times" star Jimmie Walker was violently arrested at Logan Airport yesterday after exclaiming to an airline gate agent that he was "dy-no-mite!"
Within seconds, airport police smothered the confused Walker in a blanket and transported him in a lead-lined crate to airport security. There, explosives experts submerged Walker in water for over a half hour while attempting unsuccessfully to detonate him.
After searching his body cavities for wicks and finding none, airport officials determined that he was, in fact, Jimmie Walker. He was released to Boston police for detainment.
"Security is always our first concern," said Lieutenant Sergeant Wally Sandstrom of Logans Airport Security and Concessionaire staff. "We detained P-Funk for five hours when they started blathering about being The Bomb. I personally strip-searched Guns n Roses for both guns and roses, since the thorns can be used to threaten stewardesses. We didnt even let .38 Special board the plane."
Logan has been especially sensitive about weapons-related entertainers since November of 1996, when the Jon Spencer Blues Explosion destroyed Delta Flight 1876 and killed all 143 aboard.
"We had a near-miss on a shuttle flight a few months ago, when Gunnar Nelson started taking his name a little too literally," said Sandstrom. "Now we treat each and every weapons reference very seriously. Whether Walker is or is not actually dy-no-mite, hes going have to cool his heels in the stony lonesome for a while."
Walker was unavailable for comment, but his attorney and manager Thelma Briadda termed the arrest "an unfortunate misunderstanding."
"Jimmies been looking for ways to jump-start his now lets be truthful here at best mediocre stand-up and television career," said Briadda when interviewed yesterday. "After the Hollywood Squares stopped shooting and Pictionary wouldnt return his calls, Jimmie became increasingly despondent. It all came to a head two weeks ago, when Jimmie was counterfeiting food stamps and perusing the rhyming dictionary under the crack ho heading."
"Jimmie was watching VH-1, and there in prime time was Danny Bonaducci hosting his own 1970s flashback show," continued Briadda. "Jimmie threw himself a fit and fell in it. He said he was going to hold his breath until they gave him his own damned flashback show. Then he took a big gulp of air and just stood there. Right as Jimmie collapsed unconscious to the floor, I told him he was still dy-no-mite! I was only trying to help, but I guess it sunk into his sub-conscious."
If convicted, Walker could be sentenced to the state penitentiary for two shows a night (lockdown Monday nights) and a matinee on Sunday for three to five years.