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November 5, 1998

News in brief

MBTA announces exciting new fragrances for the holiday season

BOSTON — Yesterday, the MBTA announced three exciting new couture personal fragrances inspired by the everyday smells of the T: "Freshly Shit Britches," "Steaming Hot Urine" and "Wino Stewing in his Own Juices."

"We are very pleased to be able to offer our riders the opportunity to make the smells of the T their signature scent," said MBTA spokesperson Liz Garrett. "Sometimes, a rider won’t sit in enough gunk or have enough crap stuck to the bottom of their shoes to have the T experience still lingering with them when they arrive at home. That’s why the MBTA has come up with these three signature personal fragrances."

The T’s "Freshly Shit Britches," "Steaming Hot Urine" and "Wino Stewing in his Own Juices" are available at finer area department stores.

Local apothecary shakes monarchy by proclaiming, "The customer is King"

ISLE OF WIGHT — Apothecary John Sinclair shook the English monarchy to its core on Monday when he loudly proclaimed over the store’s public address system that "the customer is King."

Buckingham Palace immediately responded by assuring the Queen’s loyal common-pieces-of-filth-that-overrun-the-island-like-fleas-on-a-mangy-dog’s-ass subjects, "We have not abdicated the throne. We do not plan to abdicate the throne. And most certainly, We would not abdicate the throne to this customer person, whomever he is."

The common man’s response to the customer becoming King was generally favorable. Said one local man, "With the dismal socioeconomic condition of the country, I haven’t had the money to buy anything since before Margaret Thatcher personally kicked me mum’s life-support plug out of the socket to cut health care costs. But if I did have a pence to my name, I’d like to think that I’d have a chance at becoming king. I mean, one day, I’d be buyin’ adult diapers, and the next, I’d be the crowned head of England."

While no massive street demonstrations advocating revolution were staged, the pressure to abdicate continues to mount for the Queen. Last week, BBC 2 started to air digitally re-mastered syndicated reruns of the popular 1960s game show "Queen for a Day."

Willingboro, NJ native claims Philly roots

COLUMBIA, SC — University of South Carolina freshman Kendra Cossari has led many students to believe she is from Philadelphia, when in fact she is from Willingboro, NJ, a small suburb 40 minutes north of the "City of Brotherly Love."

Roommate Stacey Evans believes Cossari gained undue attention because of the "flat-out lie." According to Evans, it’s widely believed that people from urban areas are much hipper than people from rural or suburban areas. But Cossari said she did not give the false information to inflate people’s opinion of her, but for convenience.

"If I say Willingboro, people have, like, no idea where it is," said Cossari. "If I’m just meeting someone, it’s easier to just say Philadelphia. But with friends and stuff I explain."

Although just miles apart, Willingboro and Philadelphia are as different as night and day. While the Pennsylvania city has a thriving business district, historical landmarks and several professional sports teams, Willingboro only recently got a Dunkin’ Donuts.

"There’s a mall, but it’s actually in the next town," Cossari said.

Ironically, bouncers, the few people that consistently learn Cossari’s true origin, believe she is 21 years old, when Cossari is actually 18. Cossari attributes that to an "altered" license.

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