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November 5, 1998

Science news in brief

Tropical depression claims Cambridge man

ORLANDO — Tropical depression Muffin claimed Cambridge resident Kevin Woods as its latest victim Tuesday.

Woods, on what friends called "a much needed and deserved" vacation in Florida, moped around his beachfront hotel room, refusing his wife’s invitations to go out to the beach, lounge by the pool or sip a frosty cold piņa colada.

"I just don’t feel like putting on my bathing suit and going out to frolic in the perfect seaside weather and temperate seas today," said Woods. "I just want to stay inside my hotel room with the lights off and the curtains drawn tight, watch daytime TV and maybe eat a half-gallon of Haagen Dazs Double Fudge Ripple ice cream in one sitting."

Earlier this week, tropical depression Muffin’s toll shot up to 11 when a group of seven were confirmed as just not feeling like going out for dinner, dancing and drinks. Several other people are also reported as missing from a limbo contest and assumed disinterested.

Muffin is being compared to 1978’s tropical depression Marty, which claimed over 100 potential luau attendees and forced Morris Karvitz to forfeit his security deposit on the beach volleyball court and pay for the 150-pound wild pig already roasting in the ground.

New military vehicles may be harder to conceal

FLINT, Mich. — General Motors, back in production after a near-crippling work stoppage, has rolled its latest military contract obligation off the assembly line.

"Somebody goofed up terrible," said an anonymous source, "but maybe nobody will notice."

Measuring only two feet long and over 65 feet wide, the intended troop carriers will be limited in their passenger capacity and maneuvering capabilities. In addition, two of the four wheels are on the roof, causing a great deal of structural damage when driven either right side up or upside down.

Further control problems are presented by the fact that the steering wheel is in the gas tank, which is not attached to the vehicle.


FDA proposes new needle exchange program

WASHINGTON, DC — The FDA proposed a new needle exchange initiative. The initiative, tentatively entitled "The Contra Plan" works as follows: old needles for new needles, new needles for cash, cash for guns, guns for hostages and hostages for more drugs.

Sources close to the FDA seem to think this plan may need to be reworked "a bit."


Sun brighter than previously thought

PASADENA, Calif. — The Jet Propulsion Lab downloaded new solar findings from the Hubble Telescope today. Contrary to previous data which showed the Sun to be really, really bright, the new information clearly shows that the Sun is actually really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really bright.science.jpg (24117 bytes)

Mir space station may be a hoax

CAMBRIDGE — Technicians at the MIT Communications Lab have verified that all current (and possibly past) transmissions from the Russian space station Mir have originated from a side street off of Harvard Avenue in Allston. Investigative teams have been thwarted in attempts to find which apartment the signals are originating from, as all units on that block look like cramped space stations and their inhabitants only speak Russian.

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