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November 19, 1998

Canada, Ghana sign historic treaty

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a ceremony at the Rose Garden today, President Clinton oversaw the signing of an historic peace treaty between Canada and Ghana.

"It’s always a good thing when two nations decide not to fight each other," Clinton said, "Good not only for those nations, which is nice, but also good for the economy, good for the United States’ position in the world stage, and good for Must See TV. So please join me in congratulating the successful efforts of Prime Minister Chrétien and President ... President … the President of Ghana!"

Clinton paused for applause; however, no one applauded. Even Vice President Gore’s appeal for to the audience to "give it up" had no effect. This was a coldhearted audience, full of bastard reporters and dignitaries who just would not clap.

I should know; I was one of them.

Clinton and Gore huddled to plan their strategy. They had the Marine band play a rim shot, they pantsed Trent Lott, they sang a chorus of "You Light Up My Life" — all to no avail. We would have none of it. We were a cold audience — a stone-cold audience. And Clinton knew it.

"Look," Clinton asked, "what do you people want from me?"

"Free Stone Cold!" one of the other bastard reporters yelled out.

"I can’t," said Clinton. "I don’t control who is and is not Heavyweight Champion. That decision is Vince McMahon’s alone to make. And he made it."

"Free Stone Cold!" we began to chant.

"I’m sorry, there’s nothing I can do," Clinton pleaded. At this point, he was looking really scared. Scared like a man about to be hit with the trademark Stone Cold Stunner.

"Look, this is a matter for the World Wrestling Federation, don’t you understand? All I am is President of the United States, my influence only goes so far."

"Maybe if we were talking about the Intercontinental Championship Belt, we could do something," added Gore.

Just then, a helicopter rose above the White House and a man jumped out. No — he was more than a man. He looked like a giant; like a god. It was Stone Cold!

Clinton stepped aside as the true champion took his place at the mike.

"I hear some of my fans have been sticking up for me," the Rattlesnake said, and the crowd erupted. It was a magic moment.

"I wanna thank you all for the support, but I think we’re forgetting something important here. Two countries, two men, have taken the step towards peace. Sure, they never fought a war, but now we’ll never have to worry. I may deserve the belt, but I think Ministers Chrétien and Gbeho are the true champions of today."

Stone Cold turned to Clinton and said, "You see, Mr. President, Ghana doesn’t have a President like yourself. Instead, they have a multi-party parliamentary system; the Honorable John Victor Gbeho is here as the Minister of Foreign Affairs to represent his country." Austin maneuvered foreign affairs as deftly as he executed a pile driver; it brought a tear to my eye. He then introduced Minister Gbeho to Clinton as the crowd chanted "3:16! 3:16!"

With the speed of a cheetah, Stone Cold leapt back onto his rope ladder and within seconds he disappeared over the horizon. It was the greatest moment of my life.

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