The Weekly Week

Floral print revealed to have no social skills

A piece of fabric with a spring/rose pattern was revealed to be socially incompetent last Tuesday. The print, who was identified as "Floral Print," had no comment, because it was a print. It added, however, "Do not remove this tag under penalty of law," and, "Go Pats!"

The print allegedly snuck into a party of local debutantes. Eventually, it was revealed to be a fabricy fraud. "It seemed so cool at first," said David Letterman, who was running the door. "It started dancing, and it was a really good dancer. But when I realized it was a piece of fabric, all bets were off."

The fabric was then murdered. Thus is the nature of man. On a related note:

Italian spiced ham is elected Queen of Zimbabwe

"We don't want a capicola for a queen," said one local Zimbabwean. When asked why he didn't think the capicola was the proper choice, he responded, "I don't think it probably has a very good sense of policy, foreign policy. That is, I don't think it has a very good grip on foreign policy."

"I don't want to lead these people. I just want to be a ham," said Queen Capicola.

Incidentally, the capicola is a sweet capicola, not a hot one. In response to rumors, it insists that it is not gay.

School committee fired and replaced

LEXINGTON – Last November's election has put Lexington back on the map once again. In an unusual decision, residents voted two Pepsi soda machines into office replacing the old, human School Committee. "Now, we can have Slice," said one resident.

Language smells of beef

BOSTON – A large number of vegan truck drivers have complained that much of the language used in their profession is unnecessarily beefy. "Too much beef, I say," said Jack Helmethand. "Yes, quite beefy," added Jackie O.

Kennedys stick dead noses everywhere

MASSACHUSETTS – On an issue that concerns mostly vegan truck drivers, Jackie Onassis, the former first lady, came back from the dead to stick her fat Kennedy head in Massachusetts politics. Beefy, indeed! Also, the Kennedys were found this Thanksgiving burying dead noses all over Martha's Vineyard.

Sports declared "no fun"

MAINE – After hours of negotiations between the NFL and Justin Grace, a doped up Bowdoin College philosophy major, NFL officials consented that sports were "no fun." Grace, however, will have to pay $1.2 million to a special fund that will keep him from being severely beaten.