HARTFORD, CT After much investigation into the complicated world of professional wrestling, United Nations inspectors were shocked to discover that wrestling is extremely real.
"I find that Rowdy Rowdy Piper is a genuinely evil man with malicious intentions towards the human race," said Maurice L'Étranger, the chief inspector.
L'Étranger and his colleagues found that what seemed like superficial rivalries, based on media-generated hype and tabloid journalism, was actually a complicated microcosm with its own valid social structure.
"As a community, I think we feel pretty misunderstood," said Hacksaw Jim Douggatt as he smashed a two-by-four on his own head. He later added, "I'll find you Nicolia Volkov! And when I do I will bite you ... on the bottom ... of the ocean ... on the bottom! You don't know why I'm threatening you like this! No one understands me!"
The UN inspectors also discovered that wrestlers, like everyone else, span the entire spectrum of morality, style and personality. Some wrestlers were deranged, loud and enormous; others were simply loud and enormous; and even others had beautiful singing voices. Macho-Man Randy Savage, for instance, is a brash, arrogant man with a good heart, who has hardly ever been convicted of acquaintance rape.
Hulk Hogan is a bold, free spirit who happens to have a 21 inch neck and 14 inch fists. Hogan was also responsible for discovering new sociological ailments including: Hulkomania, Hulkic Depression, Chronic Hulkitis, The Whooping Hulk, Hulkelepsy, and Hulkophilia.
Another little known fact was that Captain Lou Albano and the Iron Sheik had a rivalry so deep that their hatred for each other could only be expressed through poetry. An excerpt from the Iron Sheik's journal is reprinted here:
The sand of my land
"We were most surprised by Jake 'The Snake' Roberts," said Patrice Casterson, the inspector with the largest head. "Jake was a quiet, wispy man who was obsessed with the film Shane. I believe Jake had some serious role model issues - he was abandoned at 36 by his father."
The only blatant misinformation found by the inspectors was the net worth of the Million Dollar Man; his total assets were $74.
;"The Million Dollar Man is viewed as a shyster by the wrestling community," said Jimi "Superfly" Snuka.
"What is so ironic," commented L'Étranger, "is that the basic tension between all wrestlers is historically the most persistent one - the Bible. It seems basically that the World Wrestling Federation believes that Moses spoke to God on top of Mount Sinai, while the World Championship of Wrestling believes that the Moses spoke to retard-butter."
The Weekly Week asked respected theologian Marcas Laptin if there was any validity to the "retard-butter" theory. "Historically, people have always read what they wanted into the Bible. Everyone has certain baggage that they bring to any experience, which dictates their interpretation of said experience. However, I say 'no' to the 'retard-butter' theory."
Even though there is only one basic conflict between all of the wrestlers, they also differ from each other politically, socio-economically and spiritually. They resolve these differences the only way large, shiny oil-covered men know how - battle.