Eric Clapton hands in his artistic license

CLEVELAND — With the support of the entire rock music community, Eric Clapton turned in his last shreds of artistic merit in a short ceremony last week.

"With the release of recent singles such as "In My Father’s Eyes," Clapton has finally completed his painful transition from iconic guitar god to a staple of lite rock and adult contemporary music," stated Clapton’s manager Richard Hewitt in a short speech made during the ceremony.

The ceremony took place Tuesday evening at the newly opened Soft Rock Café in Cleveland, and was attended by such luminaries as Elton John, Aaron Neville, and Phil Collins, who have all undergone the same procedure in recent years. To mark the occasion, musicians around the country turned their amplifiers to half volume in solidarity.

Clapton’s artistic credibility will be placed in the hands of a executive committee who will award it to a promising young musician better able to use it. Sources say early applicants for this extra credibility have included Beck, Vonda Shepherd and Jon Bon Jovi, who wishes to use the credibility for his acting career.

Craig Chaquico, a former member of Jefferson Starship who is now in the forefront of the "smooth jazz" scene, explained the philosophy behind such a transition.

"Sooner or later, you get to a point where creating artistically challenging music is just not as time efficient as manufacturing musical pabulum. I mean, if I can play wanky jazz riffs for two hours and the women are still lining up to blow me after the show, what’s the incentive to work harder? I don’t see it."

Clapton concluded the ceremony by announcing that he will enter the studio next week to record an a cappella version of "Sunshine of Your Love" for his next album, "Old Softie."

Foo vanquished!
"Our work here is done," say Foo Fighters.

COUNCIL BLUFFS, Iowa — Only months after the Foo Fighters sophomore release "The Color and the Shape," front man Dave Grohl has announced that the band’s goal has been realized — foo has been defeated.

"Yes, I created this band to fight foo, but we never thought that our efforts would have such immediate and awesome results," stated a clearly stunned Grohl in a press conference on Tuesday. "Never more will our children have to fear the once omnipresent threat of foo."

Foo, which experts have considered responsible for many of the world’s ills, was ultimately vanquished after the Foo Fighters’ June 25 concert at the Westfair Concert Amphitheater in Council Bluffs, Iowa. Roger Bledgman was in attendance at the concert and described the scene for the Weekly Week.

"Well, the show was really rockin’, so you know foo must have been feeling the pain. And about an hour into their set, I guess it just went berserk, because the foo burst in through the fire doors and just leapt on stage, attacking the band. It fuckin’ kicked ass! But Dave and the guys beat the shit out of it, and then he looked around, kind of surprised, and said ‘Our mission is accomplished,’ and they all left the stage. It was cool, but it kinda sucked because they cut their set short."

Grohl stated that the band will continue touring under the name "Vanquishers of the Now Defunct Foo" until they find a new foe. "We’re still considering our options," said Grohl. "Right now it’s a toss-up between general societal anomie and cancer."