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May 7, 1998
Volume CVII, No. 17

In the latest in a series of competitive forays into community media, Microsoft launched a homeless e-zine yesterday. The new site, called sidewalk.home, is designed to steal readers and advertising dollars from lucrative homeless print newspapers like Boston’s Spare Change.

Greenspan, Sheen had secret dialogue
Actor Charlie Sheen and Federal Reserve chairman Alan Greenspan have brazenly used the media to maintain a secret, five-year dialogue, the Weekly Week has discovered. This remarkable conversation seems to have centered around the posh villas in Rome, Madrid and Dangriga, Belize that the two were timesharing.

Hamburger Helper ‘not so helpful’
Law enforcement officials are still reeling from the failure of Hamburger Helper to defuse a high-profile hostage situation last month. After a three-week inquiry, an FBI committee examining the incident has concluded that the popular ground-beef seasoning was “not so helpful.”

Barnes & Noble to buy Lucy Parsons Center
Barnes & Noble yesterday announced the purchase of the Lucy Parsons Center, the left-wing bookstore that has for years been a fixture of Central Square in Cambridge.

Heaven announces cutbacks, layoffs
After record losses in the first quarter of 1998, Heaven has announced massive layoffs effective immediately, sending over 10,000 seraphs, cherubs and fringe saints into the ranks of the unemployed. But what has shocked industry observers most is that Christ Himself is among the dismissed.

Rebirth of Dalai Lama is bungled badly
The Tibetan monastic community was thrown into turmoil this week when the latest reincarnation of the Dalai Lama went terribly wrong.

‘Van brokers’ prey on unwary children
Comprising about 3% of the investment market, children spend close to nine hundred million dollars a year on different kinds of investments. “Unfortunately there’s a lot of charlatans out there who try and lure children into bad investments,” said Mrs. Jacobson, a fifth-grade teacher at Lexington’s Harrington Elementary School.

Landmark restaurant in Cambridge closes
Fritz’s, the intimate cafe which for decades has sat nestled between the Tasty and the Wursthaus, has thrown in the dish towel.

Book review: James Michener's 'Somerville'

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