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July 30, 1998

New investigation uncovers possible war crimes against the Soggies

ALLSTON-PURINA — Cap’n Crunch, one of America’s most loved military officials, will be issued a dishonorable discharge within the next two weeks, a spokesperson for the U.S. Army said yesterday. The fate of the cereal named after him has yet to be determined.

Crunch’s military career was thrust into peril recently when three Soggie refugees stepped forward to reveal unnecessary cruelty and abuse at the hands of the Cap’n. A recent CNN/Time Magazine investigation uncovered that Crunch may have even used nerve gas on Soggies.capnarticle.jpg (30622 bytes)

"Maybe I used nerve gas, maybe I didn’t," explained a jovial Crunch on the phone from his Beverly Hills Estate. "Those damned Sogs are a threat to our way of life. Our forefathers died for our right to eat crunchy cereal, and if you let the Sogs take over one bowl, they start soggifying everything. They killed Tony the Tiger, they crippled Snap and nobody’s seen Dig’em the Frog in months."

The death of Tony the Tiger, who drowned in a pile of damp cereal in 1995, has remained controversial. Though deemed a flake accident, many have cried foul, placing blame on Soggie extremists.

The National Association for the Advancement of Soggie-Americans (NAASA) deny these allegations, claiming that Crunch is just using them as scapegoats, trying to further tarnish their image. "He tortures and dries out a bunch of Soggies, and then calls us evil? I don’t think so," said Ug Blogg, NAASA chairman.

Priv’t Fritz Crunch began his military service when he was drafted for mess hall service in Vietnam. After proving an extremely efficient killing machine, and also quite a chef, he was reassigned to a new platoon under the guidance of Colonel Sanders. It was there that Crunch quickly advanced from Priv’t to Corp’l, Sarg’nt, and eventually to his current rank of Cap’n. In the late 1970s, Crunch withstood a blast of sog that sent his eyes permanently into the brim of his hat. Fellow soldiers said it only made him stronger.

"He was quick with a pistol, and quite strong despite his extremely short stature," explained Sanders back in a 1989 drunken rant from his sandbox. "Crunchy also developed some amazing weapons — I don’t think we could have won back in ‘Nam without Crunch Berries. He’s a real patriot, and he doesn’t take no crap about soggy cereal."

This dedication to "crunchiness by any means necessary" led to both his canonization and his eventual downfall.

Crunch’s trial begins Thursday, and it’s expected to be one of the most anticipated trials since the 1991 Count Chocula-Boo Berry murder spree arraignment. Crunch will almost certainly be court-martialed, and his rights to bear Crunch Berries may also be in danger. "If they take away my Berries, the Soggies will have won," Crunch said, suddenly becoming sullen. "My whole life’s work will be ruined! It’ll all be for oatmeal! Just nothing but ... SOG!"

Blogg, however, is confident that Crunch will be convicted. "This is the ‘90s — we’ve come a long way from the day when the Quaker Oat Guy and the Cream of Wheat Chef were hauled up before the Committee for Uncrunchy Activities. I hope this trial finally sends the message that man must no longer be judged by the softness of his cereal."

Kellogg’s is uncertain what actions to take. "If he is a war criminal, that puts us in a bad spot," said Joe Gioh, Major Genr’l of Kellogg’s. "People don’t like cereal named after baddies — ‘Idi Amin Chex’ and ‘P.W. Botha with Raisins’ both flopped. But Crunch is still seen as a patriot by many, so we can’t rule out ‘Mr. Crunch,’ or ‘Citizen Crunch’ or even ‘That Crunch Guy.’ We’ll just have to see how it all turns out."

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