New investigation uncovers possible war crimes against the Soggies
ALLSTON-PURINA Capn Crunch, one of Americas most loved military officials, will be issued a dishonorable discharge within the next two weeks, a spokesperson for the U.S. Army said yesterday. The fate of the cereal named after him has yet to be determined.
Crunchs military career was thrust into peril recently when three Soggie refugees stepped forward to reveal unnecessary cruelty and abuse at the hands of the Capn. A recent CNN/Time Magazine investigation uncovered that Crunch may have even used nerve gas on Soggies.
"Maybe I used nerve gas, maybe I didnt," explained a jovial Crunch on the phone from his Beverly Hills Estate. "Those damned Sogs are a threat to our way of life. Our forefathers died for our right to eat crunchy cereal, and if you let the Sogs take over one bowl, they start soggifying everything. They killed Tony the Tiger, they crippled Snap and nobodys seen Digem the Frog in months."
The death of Tony the Tiger, who drowned in a pile of damp cereal in 1995, has remained controversial. Though deemed a flake accident, many have cried foul, placing blame on Soggie extremists.
The National Association for the Advancement of Soggie-Americans (NAASA) deny these allegations, claiming that Crunch is just using them as scapegoats, trying to further tarnish their image. "He tortures and dries out a bunch of Soggies, and then calls us evil? I dont think so," said Ug Blogg, NAASA chairman.
Privt Fritz Crunch began his military service when he was drafted for mess hall service in Vietnam. After proving an extremely efficient killing machine, and also quite a chef, he was reassigned to a new platoon under the guidance of Colonel Sanders. It was there that Crunch quickly advanced from Privt to Corpl, Sargnt, and eventually to his current rank of Capn. In the late 1970s, Crunch withstood a blast of sog that sent his eyes permanently into the brim of his hat. Fellow soldiers said it only made him stronger.
"He was quick with a pistol, and quite strong despite his extremely short stature," explained Sanders back in a 1989 drunken rant from his sandbox. "Crunchy also developed some amazing weapons I dont think we could have won back in Nam without Crunch Berries. Hes a real patriot, and he doesnt take no crap about soggy cereal."
This dedication to "crunchiness by any means necessary" led to both his canonization and his eventual downfall.
Crunchs trial begins Thursday, and its expected to be one of the most anticipated trials since the 1991 Count Chocula-Boo Berry murder spree arraignment. Crunch will almost certainly be court-martialed, and his rights to bear Crunch Berries may also be in danger. "If they take away my Berries, the Soggies will have won," Crunch said, suddenly becoming sullen. "My whole lifes work will be ruined! Itll all be for oatmeal! Just nothing but ... SOG!"
Blogg, however, is confident that Crunch will be convicted. "This is the 90s weve come a long way from the day when the Quaker Oat Guy and the Cream of Wheat Chef were hauled up before the Committee for Uncrunchy Activities. I hope this trial finally sends the message that man must no longer be judged by the softness of his cereal."
Kelloggs is uncertain what actions to take. "If he is a war criminal, that puts us in a bad spot," said Joe Gioh, Major Genrl of Kelloggs. "People dont like cereal named after baddies Idi Amin Chex and P.W. Botha with Raisins both flopped. But Crunch is still seen as a patriot by many, so we cant rule out Mr. Crunch, or Citizen Crunch or even That Crunch Guy. Well just have to see how it all turns out."