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July 30, 1998
Volume CVI, No. 23
CAP'N CRUNCH COURT-MARTIAL
New investigation uncovers possible war crimes against the Soggies
Capn Crunch, one of Americas most loved military officials, will be issued a dishonorable discharge within the next two weeks, a spokesperson
for the U.S. Army said yesterday. Crunchs military career was thrust into peril
recently when three Soggie refugees stepped forward to reveal unnecessary cruelty and
abuse at the hands of the Capn.
"I would sooner gun a horse-saw." Those were the sad and confusing
final words of Lars Coppleston, found dead in his prison cell early Tuesday morning.
Coppleston was 29.
New piercing fad is
Think a nose ring is daring? Forget about it. Think a tongue stud will impress people? Not
even close. If you want to be on the cutting edge of piercing, youll have to take
the plunge into the latest youth fashion fad: colostomies.
beef" comes under scrutiny
In a decision welcomed by consumer activists and citizens alike,
acting Massachusetts Governor Paul Cellucci has announced plans to implement regulations
concerning the famousness of "Famous Roast Beef" at many of the
Sun's new language
Microsoft Corporation today announced plans to overhaul its upcoming
Windows 2000 operating system and drastically alter its programming format. The move was
seen as an attempt to close ground on rival Sun Microsystems, which has seen a runaway
success with its revolutionary new programming framework based loosely on the language and
religion of seventh-century Assyria.
Don Henley hound in Walden
Humans use only fraction of
nose, scientists say