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July 30, 1998
Volume CVI, No. 23


New investigation uncovers possible war crimes against the Soggies

Cap’n Crunch, one of America’s most loved military officials, will be issued acapnfront.jpg (22204 bytes) dishonorable discharge within the next two weeks, a spokesperson for the U.S. Army said yesterday. Crunch’s military career was thrust into peril recently when three Soggie refugees stepped forward to reveal unnecessary cruelty and abuse at the hands of the Cap’n.

Pedestrian Stowaways leader dead
"I would sooner gun a horse-saw." Those were the sad and confusing final words of Lars Coppleston, found dead in his prison cell early Tuesday morning. Coppleston was 29. 

New piercing fad is 'baggin' out'
Think a nose ring is daring? Forget about it. Think a tongue stud will impress people? Not even close. If you want to be on the cutting edge of piercing, you’ll have to take the plunge into the latest youth fashion fad: colostomies.

"Famous roast beef" comes under scrutiny
In a decision welcomed by consumer activists and citizens alike, acting Massachusetts Governor Paul Cellucci has announced plans to implement regulations concerning the famousness of "Famous Roast Beef" at many of the Commonwealth’s eateries.

Microsoft challenges Sun's new language
Microsoft Corporation today announced plans to overhaul its upcoming Windows 2000 operating system and drastically alter its programming format. The move was seen as an attempt to close ground on rival Sun Microsystems, which has seen a runaway success with its revolutionary new programming framework based loosely on the language and religion of seventh-century Assyria.

Don Henley hound in Walden Woods

Humans use only fraction of nose, scientists say

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