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October 8, 1998

"I Can’t Believe It’s Not Birth Control" debuts
Makers of top-selling butter substitute launch 2nd line of products

NEW YORK — Citing a rise in unwanted pregnancies, Fakin’ It, makers of the top-selling butter substitute "I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter," launched a new product line of birth control remedies based on old-wives tales and cultural myths. The move marked the first time a manufacturer of a butter substitute has launched a completely unrelated product line.

Ranging from the "SperMitt" to the "Rhythm Method Egg Timer," the products are aimed at merging age-old remedies with modern technology.fakin.jpg (14739 bytes)

"By bringing bizarre and far-fetched birth control methods to market, we hope to expand the birth control possibilities of consumers," said Fakin’ It spokeswoman Laurie Pendergass. "People out there are sick of condoms, the pill, the diaphragm, the sponge, and especially abstinence. They’re looking for something different. They’re looking for something more exciting — something that’s a little more unpredictable."

By integrating a variety of unproven birth control methods into their product line, Fakin’ It hopes to satisfy the needs of the most experimental consumer.

The first product to hit the market will be the much-anticipated "Fallopoline," a trampoline-like device that encourages the female to jump up and down after sex in order to avoid pregnancy.

"The best thing about the ‘Fallopoline’ is that it doesn’t feel like it’s actually birth control," says company spokesperson Annette Anderson. "After sex we encourage both partners to give it a try. It’s fun, it’s safe, and there is a remote chance that it will prevent you from getting pregnant."

If the Follopoline is a hit among sexually active consumers, you can be sure Fakin’ It will follow up with more unproven products.

Among the most anticipated Fakin’ It products set for release is "The Negotiator." The product, a 4mm x 6mm speaker that is inserted into the uterus, allows the male to ‘talk down’ sperm that are insistent on insemination.

Another product in testing is an elaborate contraption tentatively titled "The GrannyMaster." The device, which looks much like a fishing rod, is attached to the head of the male and dangles the picture of an elderly woman before his eyes.

"The purpose of The GrannyMaster is to frighten the sperm into submission," says Anderson. With a price tag of $19.95, it is understandable why consumers are eager.

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