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October 8, 1998

News in brief

Boeing, citing losses, cuts workforce by 100%
Move expected to boost profits 90% in last quarter of 1998

SEATTLE — In a move applauded by market pundits as "inspired," Boeing today announced it was cutting its workforce by 100 percent.

"We almost stumbled over this when we started to reduce the workforce in 1997," said CFO Mitch Higgins. "The more we reduced, the higher the profits went. We figured that if some was good, more would be better — and now we’ve realized all is great! We’re looking at boosting profits as much as 90 percent for the last quarter this year."

Asked if he had sympathy for the over 50,000 workers who will lose their jobs, Higgins was stoical. "I’ve got stock options that are going to put me somewhere left of rich," he said. "What do I care if Johnny Socketwrench is jobless? I’ve got my own worries. I mean, have you seen the waiting list for matching his-and-her Porsche Boxsters? It’s ridiculous. Between that and the abysmal job my personal valet did ironing my money this morning, I’m not having a real good day either. Waah."

The company isn’t saying how, in the absence of workers, it plans to meet delivery dates for orders already paid for.

"That’s a Year-2000 problem," said Higgins. "I don’t have any time to be speculative about where and how we’re going to meet those delivery dates. And what the hell kind of question is that, anyway? If I weren’t already getting rid of everybody, I’d hire your sorry ass just so I could fire you tomorrow with the rest of the dead weight. You workers types have been a drag on corporate efficiency ever since the company started."

Market reaction has been favorable, as Boeing’s stock has surged 35 points since the announcement.

"We knew somebody was eventually going to make the connection between no employees and higher profits," said industry analyst Mark Nelger. "We were just waiting for a company to have the courage to cut their entire labor and benefits costs and really boost profits. I think this trend is really going to catch on."

Caution tired of being exercised

DALLAS — In a press release today, Caution made a plea to people everywhere to stop exercising it.

"I’m simply exhausted," Caution is quoted as saying. "Day after day, hour after hour, everywhere, all the time, people are exercising me. The workout never stops. Sure, these years of constant exercise have turned me into a sinuously ripped mass of muscle, but enough is enough. I’m beat."

Caution also urged everyone to be more reckless and carefree. "Quit being such a bunch of candy-asses. Live a little. You’ll probably enjoy life more, and I’ll get some much needed rest."

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