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November 5, 1998
Volume II, Number 5

An apology to our readers:

Two weeks ago, on the front page of this newspaper, it was reported that snakes were everywhere. After further investigation, we have determined that this story was false. Snakes are not everywhere. The Weekly Week hereby retracts the story and apologizes for any confusion it may have caused.

Capuano wins; supporters riotcapuanofront.jpg (17927 bytes)
Supporters of former mayor Mike Capuano took to the streets Tuesday night to celebrate Capuano’s victory in the 8th District Congressional election.What began as a spontaneous outpouring of regional pride quickly deteriorated into a melee of violence and looting that could only be described as 8th District Hooliganism.

Celestial Seasonings introduces new line of ‘racist teas’
Already buoyed by strong sales nationwide, Celestial Seasonings is preparing to unveil its most striking line of herbal teas yet. The new teas, each with a distinctly racist theme, are set to hit shelves nationwide by Thanksgiving.

Rogue notary public brought to trial
This Friday, the first in a series of court proceedings will begin in the case of State vs. Mr. Shannon Bjorkman. Bjorkman, a notary public, was arrested last weekend for notarizing a series of illegal documents.

Scientists find Mars to be 'oblivious'

Science news in brief

Hair band causing unrest in Democratic Republic of Congo

TV Guide admits: 'We've perfected time travel'

Other news in brief

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